In My Sleep

The trouble sleeping is nothing new, neither is the reverie. However, I've traded bad dreams for great nightmares. It's a good thing I learned long ago that a good night's rest is highly overrated, I'd rather be awake and thinking than asleep and letting my mind torture me. When I'm awake, I can choose not to have any emotions but after my eyes get heavy, everything I touch, I feel. I'm in a weird place right now. Too well off to even see rock bottom but saddled with enough obstacles that I wonder if I'll ever reach the summit. I'm always the first one to help someone up when they get knocked down but I'm realizing now that I don't want any help myself because for someone to help me up, it means they would have to witness my fall. I'm not comfortable with that. Ideally, I don't want to fail at all but in the event that I do, I don't want it to be a spectacle of any sort. Maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe I'm wrong about you, maybe I'm wrong about me...Maybe I should sleep on it.

Apply Pressure

Any problem you encounter in this life can be remedied by applying pressure. For real, think about it. You suffer a deep wound, everyone will tell you to keep pressure on it. Your team is getting torched by the best player on the other squad, the coach is gonna tell you to put more pressure on him to make his life difficult and force him into making mistakes. Therefore, I'm gonna turn up the pressure myself. At the very least, something will change, something always does. And in the best case scenario, things will change so much that I won't recognize shit. Probably more importantly...You won't recognize me.

More Than A Man (Decisions)

I made a decision...Despite all of the things that we go through, Im gonna take more time with you and be the friend you need. I made a decision that everything's gonna be alright, gonna stay strong and keep it tight, I'll be there indeed.

More than anything, you need me, I need you, we need each other. I won't promise to catch you every time you fall because those who don't hear must feel but I will always be there to pick you up and dust you off. I, more than anyone, understand how important good friends are and don't think for a second that I've turned my back on friendship and abandoned you, you just need to walk this path on your own because I can't follow you (more like carry you) anymore. If I didn't think you were more than capable of taking care of this yourself, we wouldn't be here right now. You'll be fine, maybe not for a while, but you will be. Make me proud.

Sky might fall

I woke up to discover that my world as I knew it had come crashing down. Y'know what tho? I'm not even going to pick up the pieces of what once was. There is not one single thing in my past worth salvaging and I could definitely benefit from looking at things through soft eyes. I haven't lost much, what's missing now never was mine to beging with. I gained insight, which is more valuable than anything and anyone I'm turning my back on and I can approach life and anything she throws at me from a different perspective. While my eyes still get heavy when the day goes and I sleep, I'm still awake in a different state. So the sky might fall but I'm not worried at all, I'm flying too high to notice.

Bury the dead and take care of the living

Regardless of how many times I replay history in my mind, it remains just that...history. No matter how many ways I can come up with on how I could have played things differently, the past will always be the past and for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with that fact. What's done is done and even if I wanted to go back and change things, I can't. That's right, even though I go hard on myself when I make my stupid mistakes, I still have no regrets. Fate, destiny, divine intervention...these things do not exist, life is what you make it. I made my bed, I had to lie in it eventually but I'm up now, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and it's a new day. There are new challenges, new obstacles and new hardships that aren't going to take a break and wait for me so I'm back on my horse.

If Tomorrow Comes

I don't know if I would describe myself as a risk taker. I'm as outgoing as they come but every decision I make is the result of much contemplation and weighing of options, a calculated risk one might say. However, there comes a day when you're not given an opportunity to sit back and think on a situation and you have to dive head first into the pool without checking the depth first. You can't prepare for these instances, it's simply just not possible, but know that they are coming and even when they do, you might not even notice it. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone to solve a problem, accomplish a task or just to enjoy yourself so embrace these opportunities, you might just learn something about yourself that you never would have known otherwise. A little personality vacation never hurt anyone (I had a very different stance on this statement until I took one myself) so bust out and do, buy or say something that you wouldn't otherwise.

"Don't choose security for fear of taking a risk. A boat in the harbor is safe but after time its bottom will rot out"

I honestly can't say it any better than that. Food for thought. Eat up before it gets cold.

Cuts for luck, Scars for freedom

I never put much thought into my luck. It's never been particularly good or bad because I've never won the lottery or been struck by lightning (the only true barometers of good and bad luck :)). However, after my 10th flat tire in 6 years (5 in the past 2 years), I think maybe my luck kinda sucks after all. I don't think you can really prevent nails, screws and the other random crap out there from getting stuck in your radial but they seem drawn to me and whatever car I'm piloting at the time. So to combat the bad spirits and omens, I have enlisted the power of a good luck charm. Okay, so it's nothing more than the bolt that they removed from this latest flat tire but I'm hoping it can change my fortune at least a lil bit.

Got Cha Opin (April 24, 2009)

I need to start playing Chess again because my lack of foresight is taking me down a path that is strangely familiar. Should have seen this coming now that I think about it, I'm so much smarter than this. If hindsight is 20/20, mine must be broken because I don't learn from my mistakes it seems. No time for sulking tho (I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to beat myself up the next time I do something stupid), I put a plan into action and while the parameters and the objective have changes, I can't stop the machine...The damage is done. So let's see, what did I learn this time? (I suppose it can't hurt to analyse exactly where I fucked up, it's not like I learn from it). I opened myself up and what was revealed eventually led to my undoing (That sound familiar?. See what I mean about not following my own advice?) I think I should go back to "school" because I clearly haven't learned anything yet. I hope I learn something soon...My own medicine tastes terrible.

The ends justify the means

Results.

That is all that life comes down to.

You don't have to answer for shit when your actions produce the desired results. Rightfully so because growing up black, not too many people care about what you think or how you feel. It sounds harsh but the reality is that young black men will always be judged based on their actions before any consideration is taken into the mitigating circumstances, if any consideration is taken at all. Perhaps I can only speak for myself on this but I was raised with little to no interest from anyone in taking my feelings in account besides a "big boys don't cry" comment when I was 3 that I took with me. You ever ask "Why everyone is trying to be so hard all the time?" It's not because of anything we've seen on TV or heard on the radio or read in a magazine, it's simply the way most of us have been conditioned. I guess some would call it "tough love" but I call it preparing us to head out into a world that doesn't love us, a world that doesn't want us to love ourselves. If you haven't developed thick skin and soft eyes by the time you're old enough to cross the street without holding someone's hand, you're in for a rude awakening from a society and system that treats us like we don't matter. Acting on emotion is a very dangerous practice in a world like ours where compassion, understanding and forgiveness are hard to come by and it's best to keep your heart and your head in check. While the chips are gonna fall where they may, nobody notices everything they hit on the way down so keep your eyes open, your head down and get it done.

Everything is young, fresh and new (written January 1, 2009)

My timing couldn't be better. As a new year arrives, I've already been trimming the fat since Boxing Day. Anything and anyone that does not directly benefit me or prove themselves an asset has got to go. It's a new day and I'm not for the bullshit, if you have no reason to be around or you no longer serve a purpose, your end of days is rapidly approaching. I've stopped providing second chances, no more exceptions, if I'm not going to take any redo's then I have to stop giving them out too. I am not a man who has anything that I can't leave at baggage claim and I'm not a bellboy...I'm not carrying your shit either. It is so refreshing to start...well...fresh. My personal life is zestfully clean in this bitch and I fully intend to keep it that way and as uncomplicated as possible. I've cut ties with everything and everyone that even remotely reminds me of what I think was a very unproductive 2008 where I didn't make the strides I wanted to make and moved backwards more than I went forward. So start running with me or get run over.

Retrospect For Life (written December 31, 2008)

Right before I began putting pen to pad and started scribing the final piece I'll write in 2008, I broke one of my unwritten rules. I flipped back through the pages of my notebook and read what I wrote 366 days ago. It is a huge departure for me but I think before I can reflect on what 2008 was to me, I need to remind myself of what I expected it to be and more importantly, what I was hoping it would be. All that stability I was yearning for didn't last. That beautiful woman that was the foundation of that stable new year was gone before the spring came and my house of cards came tumbling down shortly after. Like I suspected, I was working with an entirely new team (in an entirely different province) by May and by the end of Summer, actively looking for new employment. In the end, I've come to appreciate the turbulence that is my life because everything that has happened in the past 366 days happened for a reason and I'm in a better position right now than I ever was at any point in the past. Hardship is simply life's way of seeing what you are made of. I've stated this many times over and proved just as many times over that I am a man, not a mouse

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My Prime Minister is white

A month later, the slogans and chants are still sinking in for me. "Yes We Can", "Yes We Did", "Progress", "The Change We Need", etc. Barack obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America and as a black man in the 21st Century, there is no other moment I can single out that has made me feel prouder to be black. Not simply because a black man is now the leader of the free world but rather, Americans were able to look past race and see that he was clearly the right man for the job. Now I am far too young and far too Canadian to remember the Civil Rights Movement but this is a country that as recently as 43 years ago didn't even allow black people to vote, let alone run for public office. "Progress" has most definitely been made and never again will we be considered 3/5th of a person but will any of that progress affect the way we do things politically north of the 49th parallel? If you're asking me, I'll tell you right now, straight up...Not a chance.

The main reason why the faces of our politicians and the face of our country won't change is because no one ever acknowledges the fact that we have a problem with racism in this country. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that some of you probably already know and will probably offend the rest of you, racism in Canada is more dangerous than racism in America. I'll repeat that, racism in Canada is more dangerous than racism in American. You might think I've lost it but hear me out. When was the last time you saw a minority take public office or promoted to a position of power such as police chief in this country? Hell, when was the last time a minority was a party leader, strong candidate or under consideration for one of the aforementioned roles? I'll give you a moment to think on that..........................

Need a lil while longer? That's cool, I'll wait........................

Give up?

Don't feel too bad though, it was a trick question because the scenario I described has NEVER happened in Canada. So while Americans are making progress towards racial equality (and don't think for a second that I think they are anywhere close just because there are black people in the WHITE House. That's a long road and they've just decided to stand up and start walking down it after years of crawling on the soft shoulder) any such advancement is illusionary in this country.

The lack of representation isn't why I feel that minorites are in danger, the thing that worries me most is that racism in this country is systemic, meaning that the way things currently are were strategically constructed in that manner so that a) to the naked eye, it appears that everyone has an equal opportunity in Canada and b) the reaction of anyone who does recognize this racism for what it is and its impact is usually nothing more than "Meh". Let's face it, this is not a closely guarded conspiracy orchestrated by a secret society in the tunnels and catacombs benneath Parliament Hill, these are the very policies and customs on which this country was founded on and for the most part, still adhere to. Do you realize that until 26 years ago, our Constitution was unconstitutional? That people were living in this country not knowing what rights they had or, more importantly, what rights they didn't? So it took 115 years for someone to fix that little oversight of the British monarchy, how long do you think it will be until they level the playing field for the darkies? Probably Neverary 32nd right?

We are talking about a "democracy" where the general population can vote for whichever political party they choose, they just are not permitted to choose who leads that party. Wait...what? So I can be a card-carrying Liberal supported through and through but I have no say on who guides the party by their own ideals? The purpose that this serves is to ensure that no matter the social climate of the nation, no matter the fact that demographics have changed drastically over the past 30 years, no matter a person's past mistakes (or in most cases, atrocities), there will always be handpicked leaders in the House of Commons and you won't ever see the Canadian equivalent of Obama vs. Clinton in the primaries. As monumental as a black man taking on a woman for leadership of the democratic party was for America, the very notion probably evokes nightmares in the members of the party caucuses in Canada. Not solely because a black man or a woman were running but because they wouldn't be able to control the outcome. Let's face it, the party members have their conventions and their own constitutions but there really is no process governing how the leaders are chosen, the caucus just gathers and selects a poster boy. What part about this process is democratic? Democracy in Canada is dead, we proved that when over 40% of eligible voters stayed home instead of exercising their franchise in the last election. We proved that when the opposition ganged up and tried to capture control of the government without an election. We proved it when our Prime Minister shut down Parliament in order to save his ass. The line between democracy and oligarchy is not thin at all. The most disheartening thing about the lay of the land here is the fact that things today are not much different than the way things were in 1867. There are no signs of change on the horizon and no desire by anyone in a position of power to disturb this preconceived "natural" order of things. Do you really think David Miller, Dalton McGuinty, Stephen Harper or any of the rest of em are in a rush to level the playing field? Hells no! They want their 150 year head start and to make sure you have to run uphill to try and catch up. So we can wear "PROGRESS" t-shirts with Obama's face plastered all over them, trying to pretend that we accomplished something on November 4, 2008 too but unfortunately, NO WE CAN'T

Emotionless

It's a very dangerous thing when you start letting your emotions interfere with your everyday life. You get distracted easily, you can't focus and you stop thinking rationally. It cause you to act on impulse and do or say things that you do not mean to do or say. Common sense eludes you and whatever path you choose, no matter how convoluted, always seems like the right one. I'm trying to let go of my emotions so that I make sound decisions and avoid hurting myself and those around me. I'm doing what I have to now so I can do what I want to later and I can't let all of the ups and downs that life throws out at me push me off course...I have too many people counting on me.

Can't win for losing

I always have a goal in mind regardless of what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and who I'm doing it with. There is certainly nothing wrong with being goal-oriented but sometimes I stop looking at all the steps between where I am and where I want to be. I always want to get there now, overlooking the consequences of my actions in the meantime. Things get said that really aren't meant and shouldn't have been said in the first place, people get uneasy, feelings get hurt. Worst of all is the fact that I'm always so hard on myself. I can't help but take things personally, no matter what kind of front I put up. If I don't get my way I feel like a failure and as often as I talk to you within these pages, you know how much I hate to fail. Today was one of those days, when I saw my goal and only my goal, and I didn't stop to think about what course of action I was taking. Only thing is now I feel tentative about going forward. I don't just feel like I lost, I feel like I can't win.

Till It Happens To You

It is easy to evaluate, ridicule and criticize a situation when you're on the outside looking in. No matter how much you have invested in the issue, the outcome ultimately does not affect you. You always hear that quarterback is the most difficult position to play in all of sports, well, if that is the case, Monday morning quarterback must be the easiest. But all that goes out the window when it's happening to you, right out the window onto the front lawn along with logic, common sense and discretion. No one likes it when the joke's on them but it cuts just a little deeper when you've watched countless others (or maybe yourself even) make the same mistakes before you and you've even chastised that person for those past follies then grab the table salt and pour that shit in. I don't embarrass easy but I get red in the face (I don't mean that literally, obviously) when I make the same gaffe more than once. I find myself traveling a very familiar road as of late, getting caught up in the excitement of the trip and missing all of the warning signs along the way. Thankfully, I've been blessed with serenity, courage and wisdom. The serenity to accept the things in my life that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes you have to stop and think about where it is you are headed and whether or not there is a better path to that destination than the one that you are on. Luckily, I didn't have to turn back and start my trip all over again, I just had to slow down a bit. Y'know, put it in 3rd and cruise for a while. I will get there eventually, after all.