Sunday, December 30, 2007

They Schools

The idea of black focused schools in Toronto deserves a much closer look, especially if the city is serious about implementing a pilot project next fall and by looked at I don't mean scoffing at the suggestion and crying out that it is racist and promotes segregation. I'll admit that when I first heard that the school board was even entertaining the idea, I stated publicly that it was stupid. Never mind the racial element of the proposal, I was put off by the fact that this was the first thing they wanted to try when it came to the issue of the high dropout rate among black students. It's a pretty drastic move to say the least and I would have at least liked to see them go another way before resorting to this but as I took the time to think about the matter some more I realized that sometimes drastic problems require drastic solutions and when more than half of the black males enrolled in Toronto public schools can't earn the minimum 16 credits after their sophomore year, that is a drastic problem. I would like to make myself clear when I say that although there are probably benefits in creating afro-centric schools, I in no way support the idea. I'm still taking a look at all of the factors and all of the arguments but in my mind, the idea has way too many flaws and I don't think people are ready for it nor can they handle it. The most glaring problem is that by going this route, the school board along with the provincial government are basically throwing up their hands and admitting failure. Now when approximately 47% of black students are dropping out of high school, it is as clear as day that you are failing but this seems more like bending over rather than doing something assertive and effective. The second thing that really jumps out at me about this topic is that not everyone is wild about this idea and not everyone is going to support these schools. If the school board and the government decide to go ahead with this, there will be those parents who won't be sending their children to these schools so what about them? I've heard a lot about what kind of curriculum will be taught, what kind of teachers will be brought in and what kind of environment the government will be trying to create in their pilot schools but what happens to the black students who remain in the current public school system? I've heard no other strategies to combat the issues in our schools besides black-focused schools so I have to wonder if there is even a plan to make curriculum changes or if everything will remain status quo. With a problem such as this one, with so many contributing factors, there is no quick fix or "magic bullet" that is going to make all of our problems go away. You can throw statistics at me all day about how well black focused schools have done in Detroit, Washington and Kansas City but compare those cities with Toronto and you'll see alarming differences, differences that dynamically affect the impact of these schools. This isn't solely the establishment's fault, fuck anyone who does not take responsibility for their actions. I repeat. FUCK anyone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions. Every action that you take has an equal or greater reaction and inactivity is not an option in a world that won't slow down and wait for you to catch up. Without your education, you won't make it too far. In fact, these days without a high school diploma you can't make it anywhere. Stop making excuses for yourself and start making something of yourself. Yes, we are at a disadvantage because we are blacks in a world with all of the legal equality anyone would ever need but none of the substantive equality but that should be all of the motivation you'll ever need. Growing up, I was always told taught that being black, I had to be twice as good as everyone else to be considered equal. This is not necessarily the truth in everyone's eyes but I believe that to this day and take pride in tearing down stereotypes by pushing myself to my limits. There is only so much that the government, the school board, the teachers and the parents can do to make kids succeed. All of the co-operation in the world from the aforementioned groups don't do any good if the students simply do not want to get an education. A lot more questions need to be asked to understand the failing students. Why have we had studies about why it is not good to eat food off of the floor within 5 seconds but no one has taken the time to draw parallels between failing students and reasons for why they are failing? Where do they come from? Where do they live? Where do their parents come from? Do they even know their parents? What is different about them compared to the students who are excelling in the current system? I mean, these are educated professors, scholars, and so-called "experts" making these recommendations, right? Have they tried just talking to some of these kids? They're high school students, they're not that hard to figure out and they are smarter than you think. I just fear that this will send a message to black students that they need to be racially segregated in order to succeed, they they are incapable of learning alongside children of different race and ethnicities when that is far from the case. The only way to ensure that our children do not receive a lesser education is to provide them all with the same education, the "separate but equal" doctrine went out the window with Brown v. Board of Education. One of the greatest draws to living in Toronto is its diversity and multiculturalism, how can one learn to function in a society like that after spending their most formative years in an environment that is completely opposite. In the last provincial election, publicly funded faith-based schools was a hot topic for debate and in the end, it was shot down quickly and completely. However, it did raise a question in my mind about what kind of funding the schools in Ontario, Toronto specifically, receive now. The results didn't really surprise me. According to the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, school funding per student today is lower than it was 10 years ago and dropout rates are higher today than in 1997. Hmmm, so let's recap shall we? It is fair to say that most of the black student in Ontario live in Toronto, so if the government is contributing less money for these students' education, does it not make sense to assume that today's students are receiving a lesser education than students 10 years ago? It's not the only reason for the dropout rates climbing but I'm just sayin...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die.
I would like to take a moment to pay my respects to the life of Glenn 'Omodiende' Reitz. Although we only knew one another through the written word, I owe a lot of credit to Omo for influencing my writing style as well as how I approach an argument (we've had plenty), how I formulate my opinion before opening my mouth and most importantly, how to listen. Along with the rest of the Barbershop Notebooks authors, we became The Great Debaters (Denzel ain't got shit on us) and let our words express our thoughts, our feelings and our personalities. When you said that I was your favorite blogger, it meant more to me than any other compliment that I had ever received in regards to my writing and made me take it a little more seriously than I had up to that point. As long as we have your words, you'll never truly be gone, and as happy as it makes us that you are no longer experiencing the pain you had been feeling, it hurts knowing that I won't see you pine in on whatever reckless statement I make tomorrow, next week or next year...but somewhere I know you'll be making your feelings known. And we endure...

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Just to put everyone on notice, I'm cutting the fat so to speak and removing the waste in my life. So if I don't talk to you anymore, don't be alarmed. If you're smart, you'll already know the reason why. If you can't figure it out, then you're a moron...kill yourself

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Freakfest was too much fun. More pictures are coming...even though most of the pictures of me were taken by people I don't know. I'm gonna be all over Facebook this week so tag me if you see me

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Love hurts. It's not just a cliché, it is a fact of life. Anyone reading this who has been in love before can more than attest to this statement. In the past few weeks, I've both witnessed and experienced some of the worst pain one can endure as a result of love. I understand that love makes us do stupid, crazy, misguided, petty and otherwise ridiculous things but at some point you have to ask yourself "Is it worth it?...Is it worth going through all of this for matters of the heart?" I don't think I can take much more of it to be honest with you. I'm worn out and beat down into the ground, I don't even want to pick myself up anymore sometimes. I'm being pulled every which way and as long as I don't break, everyone keeps tugging. I've been too much to too many people for far too long, I can't go on being everyone's everything anymore. I don't even know if I can't still be anyone's anything at this point. My heart is fractured, my mind in shambles. Ask me if it was worth it.
Not too many people allow me to be myself. Let me say what I want to say, do what I like to do, be what I want to be. I'm either too brash, too blunt or too insensitive. But there exists a few who value and see the value in my words and actions. I admire these people because I definitely know that I am a lot to handle. I'm not exactly considerate of other people's feelings, certainly not politically correct but they don't seem to care and if they do, they keep it to themselves. I don't ever want to be defined by what I didn't say or what I didn't have the courage to do. I can't be something I'm not and you can only pretend for so long...and you're really fooling no one but yourself. My way doesn't always work, it's certainly not always right, and sometimes I end up feeling like I can't win for losing but in the end, it is still my way. So to all those who appreciate my honesty, my brashness, my attitude. Thank you, for allowing me to be me.

Friday, October 12, 2007

I am the puzzle missing the sole piece. I am the store that the building refused. I am the first to come and the last to leave. I am not one to have ideas but rather, innovations. I am not the best at anything but I am good at everything. I am self-aware and aware of everything around me. I am the 401 at 5:15PM. I am ready for the world like Melvin Riley and Gordon Strozier. I am so 407. I am a fresh pair of white Uptowns in June. I am Yonge St. on the first Friday of August. I am cutting against the grain with every stroke.

Monday, June 25, 2007

A few things you may not have known about me. Nothing excites me. I believe that the written word is man's greatest accomplishment. I am constantly struggling with my emotions. I don't smile very often. I won't shut up if you get me going. I prefer to be alone, simply because I am so used to it. I'm still learning to cook. I hate talking on the phone. Photography is my secret hobby and I always have a camera with me. I'm alone, not lonely. I'm still learning to ask for help. I never hold my tongue. I don't regret anything I've ever done. There are only two people in this world that I can count on in a pinch. I'm a computer geek. I'd rather stay home and read than go to a club. I have one sibling who is the only person in my family that I wholeheartedly trust. I have nightmares. I can honestly say that therapy is not for everyone. I feel a lot older than my DOB suggest I am. I don't look the age my DOB suggests either. I'm one of the few people lucky enough to drive their favorite car. I'm not used to people genuinely caring about me and it still makes me feel uncomfortable. This is the first time I've spoken this openly about myself. I'd kill myself before I relive the first 18 years of my life again. Same goes for going back to live in that house again. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I look in the mirror these days and the person looking back at me doesn't look familiar. I still don't like to travel. I'd drive to the end of the earth though. Failure is not an option for me, I'm in it to win it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Get Familiar Vol. 2 © Clinton Sparks

I felt that the best piece of writing I've produced in my life deserved a sequel so I present to you Manifest Destiny Pt. 2: Supreme Mathematics.

The Supreme Mathematics is an alleged system of understanding numbers alongside concepts that are used along with the Supreme Alphabet as tools to unlocking the keys to reality and/or the universe. I'm putting my own spin on the teachings of my new found faith and breaking down the keys to reality like only I can.

1. Knowledge
is the accumulation of facts through observing, learning, and respecting. Knowledge is the foundation of all in existence, for it must be known in order to make it manifest. Knowledge is the light given off by our sun. It is also the original man, who is the foundation of Allah's family

Knowledge is not to be confused with intelligence. Being smart is a lot more than just simply possessing knowledge. It is about how you acquire knowledge, how you process that knowledge, and how you apply that knowledge to everyday situations. I've met countless people with more degrees than dollars because they have no practical ideas on how to utilise what they've learned. If anyone sees the logic in paying around $12,000 a year to go to school just to end up working in McDonald's for around $12,000 a year, please tell me.

2. Wisdom is to speak knowledge and act according to it. Wisdom is water, the vital building block of life. Wisdom is the original woman because through her womb, life is continued. It is a relection of one's knowledge and this fact is shown and proven by the moon, being a reflection of the Sun's light (Knowledge). Knowledge + the reflection of Knowledge = Wisdom (1+1=2)

This can't possibly get anymore self-explanatory, I'd just be repeating things.

3. Understanding is what shows and proves the completion of knowledge and wisdom (man, woman, child). Understanding is a clear mental comprehensio. It is the original child, which is the star. The highest form of understanding is love, the bond between man and woman, knowledge and wisdom.

Once learning how to apply one's knowledge, one gains understading of one's self and one's surroundings. The most direct definition of this would probably be "a psychological state in relation to an object or person whereby one is able to think about it and use concepts to be able to deal adequately with that object." I would simply call it clarity, seeing the world and all of the people in it for what they really are and what they are really capable of.

4. Culture/Freedom is one's way of living, meaning one's language (wisdom) and customs (ways and actions). Freedom, is to have a "free dome" (a liberated mind) or to lack restraints. The original man's culture is Islam, which is peace.

Every time the topic of freedom comes up I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes: "Man is condemned to be free. Condemned, for he did not create himself, but free in the sense that once thrown into the world he is responsible for everything he does."

5. Power/Refinement is the force of creative energy. To refine is to perfect. Power is the truth, which is Allah's mathematics. To have knowledge in the culture of Islam is to have Power.

Now you didn't think all of those "Knowledge is Power" messages that were pushed on us as kids was just clever marketing, did you?

6. Equality is the state or quality of being equal, meaning to deal equally with all in existence. Equality is achieved by teaching others Knowledge and Wisdom, and making it understood through Understanding.

It's one thing to acquire Knowledge and Wisdom then develop a sense of Understanding and enlighten those around us. It's a totally different thing to gain understanding of the world around us and let our peers stumble around in ignorance. I wouldn't be writing any of this (or anything I've written and shared with you over the past 2 years) if I didn't think someone was taking something from what I'm saying. I know I'm always ready to jump up and say that nobody reads this and thats true, but that doesn't mean that I don't lead by example. Nobody may be reading the words on the page but they may see how I am able to get my thoughts down on paper and try to do like me. I've said countless times in the past that I am not trying to lecture anyone, change the world or influence any generations but I have a responsibility to pass on what I know and leave somoe kind of legacy behind when I'm gone.

7. God. Allah is God. The supreme being, the Black man, is God, Allah, lord of all the worlds, supreme ruler of the universe, which is everything: sun, moon, and stars.

In the end, there is just Allah

8. Build/Destroy. To build is to elevate the mentality of self, and others around the self, to add on positive energy to Allah's nation. To destroy is to ruin it by allowing negativity to outweigh the positive.

Giving up on one another is the same as tearing each other down. There was even a point I was going to give up on my own generation because of what I had been shown but regardless of how ignorant some people's actions and opinions can be, we can't give up on them because they are our people. I'm not preaching from the pulpit by any means here but I can't stand watching the news with my camily and hearing my mother and my aunts rip on blacks when one of us is involved in a crime. By no means do I condone picking up a gun and ending another human being's life or any other type of violent crime but I do understand that desperate people do desperate things and I understand the kinds of desperate situations that people (not just black people) can wind up in, so while everybody else cries for theh shooting to stop, I cry for another reason. I cry for everyone living their life 15 days at a time. I cry for all the single mothers grinding to make sure their children want for nothing. I cry for everyone grinding it out in a classroom because they know that an education is a foot in the door. I cry for anyone who's ever done anything "wrong" to survive. I cry for every single person that has ever found their self in a hopeless situation before.

9. Born is the completion of all in existence. To manifest from Knowledge to Born, which is the law of mathematics - to be complete in itself.

Notice a trend here. 1 through 8, and we're slowly getting back to the beginning. Life is a cycle and the Nation of the Gods and the Earths is no different. Don't believe me?

0. Cipher is the completion of a circle consisting of 360 degrees (Knowledge=120°, Wisdom=120°, Understanding=120°). All in existence pertains to a cipher.

See...told ya

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Flashback for those of you who haven't been riding with me that long...

Manifest Destiny Pt. 1

manifest destiny

1. the belief common in America in the early 1800s that it was the destiny or fate of the US to expand west to the Pacific Ocean. For many Americans, the belief had an almost religious intensity, and was often considered an obvious part of God's plan for America's future. It was with this feeling that settlers pushed west into Indian and Mexican controlled lands, confident that they were justified in doing whatever was necessary to spread the American flag and system of government.

2. a policy of imperialism rationalized as inevitable (as if granted by God)

The aforementioned definition is just a guide to make sure everyone understands what I mean when I go into detail about my manifest destiny.

To further grasp my manifest destiny, you must understand my situation. I wake up angry every day, I`ve done so for the past 10 years. I have virtually no family life whatsoever. I do whatever necessary to maintain. Being hood is a situation, not a state of mind. My way of getting money is out of necessity because I`m trying to survive. That being said...

I will...

live comfortably.

be viewed and judged for who I am, not what my background.

acknowledge that I am condemned to be free because once thrown into the world I am responsible for everything that I do.

abandon the fixation that i need to be rich, I just want to have enough money that I never have to say that I`m just scraping by.

be judged based on what I have to offer and what I can do to the best of my ability, not on the fact that I am Grenadian. There is far too much emphasize put on people`s backgrounds, in fact, upon meeting people itis almost always the 3rd or 4th question being asked of me. Ideally, I`d like to be looked upon as just a man but I do understand that this is the real world so I`ll accept being viewed as just a black man. People form expectations of what you should be based on your background which I find so ridiculous, they form prejudices against certain groups of people based on bad experiences with people of the same ancestry. I`ve been experimenting with throwing people curves and mixing up my ancestry when people ask, even telling people I don`t even know what my background is because I`m adopted (which is my favorite choice because I find it hilarious the various reactions you can get from people when they hear that you`re adopted).

do whatever it takes to get out of this place that I`m in.

do great things. After all, it is my God given right...right?

I will...
I am the stone that the building refused. I am the visual, the inspiration, that made ladies sing the blues. I`m the spark that makes your idea bright, the same spark that lights the dark so you can know your left from your right. I am the ballot in ya box, the bullet in the gun, the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son. The story that just begun, the promise of what`s to come and I`ma remain a soldier until the war is won.
At this point in my life, survival is my main priority. In the real world, I`m going with theory over faith. Everything we know is "only the strongest survive" and if that`s the case I`m banking on Natural Selection, not Divine Intervention. Face it, when you`re asking me to put Jesus up against Darwin, Darwin wins every time and that has nothing to do with me being an Atheist it`s just survival of the fittest.
First and foremost, Happy Juneteenth to all those who have their awareness up and know the significance of today's date in history. A lot of talk has been made lately regarding parenting in our city, specifically, if an absentee parent (read: father) drives a child to gangsterism (Yes, that is a word). Gangs are a touchy subject around here, so touchy that anytime someone is shot, stabbed, robbed or assaulted, everyone is quick to start blaming it on the "g-word". More often than not, those incidents have nothing to do with gang violence but instead, just...well...violence. People forget about the domestic disputes that get out of hand, random instances of aggression and the generally fucked up individuals that exist in our society because regardless of what Bill Blair says, I refuse to believe that there are over 75 gangs in this city. I think even our police chief has blurred the line between "gang" and "bunch of kids with guns". Gangs are structured, organized and, for the most part, display some degree of discipline. Kids with guns pop off simply because they can (and do dumb shit like shoot people in a crowded high school in the middle of the afternoon R.I.P. Jordan Manners) because they lack the ability to foresee any consequences (you can't foresee what you can't spell I guess). However, I digress. So is parenting, or rather, lack thereof, the primary cause of violent, criminal behavior in young black men and women? I wouldn't say that this is the long contributing factor, nor would I say it is a contributing factor across the board because for every fatherless gangbanger, I'll show you a fatherless doctor or lawyer or accountant. It is a factor but it has a different effect on different people. I just feel that it is irresponsible to cite this as the main predictor of how one's future will be shaped, ignoring other contributing factors such as social demographics, environment, and the media for example. I am not here trying to make excuses for anyone and I'm definitely not defending gangsterism (Yes really, it's a word) but I'm tired of people getting on my TV and talking as if they have it all figured out and go on and on about what the problem is but can offer absolutely no solutions. There is no quick fix to this problem in fact, so pastors from 2000 miles away can only offer suggestions. The after school programs are nice but why is it that you think all young black kids want to do is play basketball? And what is the point of a police raid after all the bodies have already dropped? (After you vehemently denounced any ties to gang violence of any sort in "that" murder as well). Well what's the point besides putting some dope on the damn table? (Great photo op by the way Chief). Until everyone gets on the same page and acknowledges all of these factors and agree on a solution (or solutions), then the problem will continue to get worse. (Yes, I know that is a lame ass conclusion but it's late and I'm exhausted and I have to get up and do this all again tomorrow. Hate me for it)

Monday, June 18, 2007

I don't like this feeling. It's different, it's unfamiliar, it's weird. I don't know what has come over me but this is not what I meant when I said that I was moving to a new place in my life. Since I got home Saturday night, I've felt this way and it's hard to describe. It's like I've forgotten something but I have no idea what it is I've forgotten and on top of that, absolutely nothing is jogging my memory. It's like a piece of my puzzle is missing and I just had the shit! I normally wouldn't dwell on something that I didn't know the cause of but this is different. I had the worst time getting to sleep on Saturday night over this and although I barely sleep as it is, I never have a problem actually losing consciousness (several of you can attest to this). When I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning, tossing and turning over an "encounter" and its uncertain aftermath, that's a matter that I have to take to the blog. So what am I going to do? Well, in my newfound pursuit of happiness, I guess the only thing to do is pursue until I catch what it is I'm chasing.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Manifest Destiny Pt. 3 - It is every man, woman and child's God given right to pursue and achieve happiness. That being the case, I think it's about time I go out and get happy, I've been fairly miserable for as long as I can remember. October 18th, 1995...I will always remember this date as the first day of my life as I know it. I woke up that Wednesday morning and I was angry, really angry, and it wasn't because of anything that happened on the 17th or because of anything that was going to happen that day, I was just angry and I didn't know why. I have woken up this way every single day for the past 11 and a half years, sometimes I am angry just for a moment and I can be in a good mood by the time I roll out of the bed and walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, sometimes I'm just pissed off all day, the only constant is that this has never really bothered me at all. Other than a few brief stints in therapy, I've just accepted this behavior as part of my life, as natural as taking a breath. However, I've been looking at so many external elements in my life to change, with undesired results, maybe it's about time I should start doing some "me work". I've tried being more accepting of the things that bother me but I know now that this course of action is not healthy for anyone. What I need to do is stop holding onto everything and learn to let go...sometimes. It is so much easier said than done but I'm banking on it at least being worth the attempt because there aren't too many options when it comes to things that piss you off, you either take it to cell or let the shit slide and to be honest, the grass is pretty brown on both sides of the fence. Going forward, I'll just have to pick my spots I guess. A majority of people would say that trying new things would be a good idea for someone trying to make a change in their life but I'm the opposite, I'm looking to try less new things. I'm most comfortable being stuck in my ways and sticking to what I know and I don't see anything wrong with that. If you feel that I am boring, that's fine...I wasn't put here to entertain you. Every single moment from this point on is about me bettering myself and that's for my benefit and mine alone. Kinda selfish, isn't it? But that's my God given right, right?

Sunday, April 29, 2007

I guess I've been detached lately. Not really there for anyone or anything. Putting work in front of everything else because it's the only thing in my life that won't catch feelings about something I do. I think once and for all I need to take a step back and figure out what is important to me and what it is I have to remove from my life because I can't straddle the fence forever. The worst part is that every part of me is pulling in a different direction. Kyron Dwight John is thriving right now because he has no distractions. He's worked the past 15 days straight with no time off and none in sight for the next 5. He gets up each day for this, he lives for this. Proving every ounce of his worth through his craft and when he gets to focus, he can do anything. Partisan John is going to miss the early morning subway ride where he can catch up on his reading but hopefully it allows him to get the much needed rest he requires to keep the master plan moving. Blaxx was quite fine on top of the fence. In fact, Blaxx is pretty much comfortable anywhere you put him, his ability to adapt to every situation thrown at him is the trait he prides himself upon most. I am nothing more than the sum of my parts, take it or leave it. Each one comes with the other 2

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I have always been an advocate of having to try a ting every now and again so I engaged myself in a little experiment. I would ignore all the little things that bother me and see if it improved my life and my relationships with other people. At this point, I will call this a failed experiment because it hasn't worked. Letting things slide is pretty much the same thing as encouraging such behavior and it doesn't make it any easier to handle. So what have I learned from this experiment despite its failure? First and foremost, you cut people out of your life for a reason. No one deserves a second chance under any circumstance and yes, that includes myself. I've afforded myself more 2nd (and 3rd and 4th and sometimes 5th chances) chances just on being me, not because I changed, not even because I had shown that I am capable of change. I don't even know the true reason why to tell the truth. I'm no fucking good but people don't heed to warnings. I liken it to when my grandmother told me not to touch the stove but I went ahead and touched it anyway. Only difference is that I embraced the pain and got used to it. Yall just resent me for it

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I've always noticed that my timing has always been excellent. I've always managed to get in or get out just at the right moment to either capitalize on a vulnerability or avoid shit hitting the fan. I can't explain it nor plan it, it's just a case where I'm never on schedule but always on time.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Have you ever taken a walk? Well obviously you've taken a walk but have you ever just started walking with no specific destination in mind? You just needed to get the fuck outta wherever you were at the moment so you just start walking and then at some point, usually after you've calmed down from whatever emotion made you take off in the first place, you look around and realized how far you've actually gone. It is at this point where you can turn around and go back or keep walking. This pretty much sums up the past 2 years of my life and I've now reached that point where I'm looking around and I realize the progress I've made in those past 2 years. I've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs, I've taken steps forward and been knocked back a few as well, but all in all, I've know more now than I did then and the knowledge has been worth all the hardship and all of the pain. When faced with the choice of turning around and walking back to where I started or to keep walking to parts unknown, I'll take my chances with the unknown. Nothing wrong with keeping life interesting y'know

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

How many times does one have to be betrayed before he develops serious trust issues? I think I just found the answer. I always had faith in people. A belief that some good still lies in everyone, that everyone has common sense and decency. I was wrong but what's even worse than being wrong is that it took me so long to realize that no one may possess these qualities anymore. I let a lot of people take advantage of me because I did not want to accept the fact that those people who claim to be on your team are nowhere to be found unless it's convenient to them. There is no more forgiveness left in me, no more trust. I've had to push so many people away because I just can't trust them anymore and it's no fault of their own. I've never been one to live in the past but there are only so many times I can fall for the same trick over and over again, I'm not letting anyone get close to me again. If you think you can live with that, by all means, try your luck but I'm guessing that it's not that fun being in love with me when I could barely give a fuck. I've always been the one to do something drastic to get something done. Shutting myself down emotionally is about drastic as it can get.