Wednesday, January 17, 2007

How many times does one have to be betrayed before he develops serious trust issues? I think I just found the answer. I always had faith in people. A belief that some good still lies in everyone, that everyone has common sense and decency. I was wrong but what's even worse than being wrong is that it took me so long to realize that no one may possess these qualities anymore. I let a lot of people take advantage of me because I did not want to accept the fact that those people who claim to be on your team are nowhere to be found unless it's convenient to them. There is no more forgiveness left in me, no more trust. I've had to push so many people away because I just can't trust them anymore and it's no fault of their own. I've never been one to live in the past but there are only so many times I can fall for the same trick over and over again, I'm not letting anyone get close to me again. If you think you can live with that, by all means, try your luck but I'm guessing that it's not that fun being in love with me when I could barely give a fuck. I've always been the one to do something drastic to get something done. Shutting myself down emotionally is about drastic as it can get.

7 comments:

DCI74 said...

That's deep Blaxx.

The interview with Doc Hill is on my podcast site, here you go:

http://checkoutmymelody.podbean.com/

DCI74

KC said...

I’m sorry bro! This post is needless to say, a lllliiiittttlllee depressing. As a female who has been brought down, belittled, betrayed and disrespected to the worst degree, I certainly get your gist. Sometimes I wonder if all of us feel like this sometimes. It’s actually kind of reassuring that someone else shares my own sentiments, but should it really be that reassuring? I am somewhat fearful of the state of today’s average moral standards. Count back a couple of decades and I can assure you that the general public’s views on fidelity, trust, and even more simply, respect, is very different from what it is today. I think of myself as a good girl, someone who would never deliberately disrespect a peer or worst, betray his trust. Surprisingly, I still try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this is because I refuse to believe that menace has over-run our mentalities. Unfortunately, I find it very difficult to pull apart walls that men have built up due to past tragedies. Sometimes I wonder what a girl like me is to do to convince a man who has been hurt and torn apart that I am the real deal. Is it possible to love a second or third time with the same passion and fervor that we did the first time around?

Blaxx said...

It is depressing KC. But not because I've been hurt so many times, but because it hurts even more to admit that I cannot trust people anymore and I now believe (as you so eloquently put it) that the menace has over-run our mentalities. I am feeling a little more reassured knowing that there are those who still feel it is important to be respectful, loyal and kind to people just by nature.

kc said...

Well rest assured I ACTUALLY EXIST Lol. I'm compelled to say what goes around comes around, but that would be somewhat pointless seeing that being respectful, loyal, and kind should be a choice. I can only hope that time will heal your wounds of mistrust... have a little faith?

Blaxx said...

Well don't be so quick to think that's just a cliche. I've always been a believer that the universe straightens itself out and no one stays up or down for too long before they come crashing back to Earth or get lifted like they were a Legend like John

Aseelah said...

I'm so late to this post, but KC and Blaxx I think that there are certain realities in life. I think that people who love you may and will sometimes hurt you. Yeah, some people are evil and unkind, but some people have no real understanding of self, and until you are aware of what you do and how you live your life, there is no WAY you could consider the impact of your choices/thoughts/ideas, on another person.

I think that at the base of all of this is love....and love cannot be without honesty, be it friendship, romantic, or self-love. When we can really love and accept ourselves (honesty & awareness) we can really love and accept others. I think there are plenty of people out there who still believe that this is possible. I'm one of them.

Yeah, I've been on both sides of hurt and pain, the giver and receiver. I don't think I ever intentionally set out to hurt another, but before I started to take a critical look at myself I didn't realize my patterns.

All this to say that as long as you stay open and faithful that you can have love (trust, honesty, etc.) and find it in another...I think it will come to you. But you must be ready and able to receive.

KC said...

I agree that self-awareness is the best defense, but unfortunately deception and disrespect exists regardless. A lot of people are self aware and still use the oblivious card thinking that it’ll work. “Yes, I did cheat on you, but you know that I love you. Those women meant nothing to me. You know that.” Sure.