Sunday, December 24, 2006

"I'm on the outside, I'm lookin in. I can see through you, see your true colors"
What are you supposed to do when your self ain't reliable? When the only person you've ever trusted is your self but now you can't trust your own judgment? You reach that fork in the road and you go left because the last time you went right you didn't like the outcome, even if it was the best case scenario. How about when you push people away because you're not in control of the situation that you're in? Even if you'll regret those decisions when the smoke clears and the dust settles. You start lying to yourself, trying to take solace in the fact that you now have nothing to lose and you're better off alone anyway but you can only mask the truth for so long. So you get devoured by your thoughts and can't focus. You're tired, can't sleep. Hungry, can't eat. Having panic attacks all night and can't concentrate during the day. You even have doubts about asking for help. Is your best friend going to actually listen and provide some real help or is he going to try to take your mind off it with humor like always? Can you talk to "her" when she is half of the problem? Do I tell her that? Do you go back to therapy to hear what they "think" is wrong with you? Will you just walk out in the middle of a session again? Nope, I thought you'd agree, so I keep it all to me. At this rate, I won't be here much longer because I'm destroying myself.
"My worst enemy is myself. Word to myself"
Every person on this planet has the right to express his or her own opinion regardless of what is politically correct, social norm or status quo without being ridiculed, insulted or threatened. That said, it's been a minute since I came around to talk my shit. It pains me to see wonderful people suffering, especially when there is something I can do to help them but they don't want it. I had to learn the hard way that you can't ever be too proud to ask for help when it's there. Don't ever look at anything like a hand out. Instead, accept it as a "hand up" when you're down and out. There have been plenty of situations where I was trapped in a downward spiral and it was you who pulled me out of it. You believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. Let me return the favor now when the tables have turned. As my 21st birthday rapidly approaches, I'm noticing that when you're my age and single, it's surprisingly hard to find a woman who doesn't have kids. When did it become acceptable behavior for every girl under the age of 21 to start pushin out babies? I can't speak about all of you but I can talk about everyone I know and say that it's fuckin ridiculous that yall are trying to raise children when you are children who can't even raise themselves. I guess dudes just started stickin their dick in anything because there is only one woman I would even think about letting carry my child and at this point in time...I still wouldn't want her to. Each time I say it "These are the mothers of our children, these are the mothers of tomorrow" I throw up in my mouth a little. I don't like the look of it © Da Back Wudz. Gang violence is getting a lot of attention as it gets warmer and the media says the city gets ready for another summer of shootings. Hmmm...did all the gunmen in the city call CityTV and tell them in advance that they gonna be poppin off come July? Nah, I don't think so. So what kind of f*ckin statement is this? Why is something so blatantly disrespectful deemed acceptable on my 6 o'clock news? Why are the newspapers reporting that there are 75 gangs in this city when last time I checked, there was only 1? Don't let that one fly over your heads. Eat up, this food is gettin cold.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

A little story about something that happened to me the other day. I made a stop to pick up dinner on my way home from work (No, I don't cook. I ain't domestic maaaayne) and a couple girls, prolly 16 or 17, outside the takeout entrance of the restaurant asked me "Does the suit and tie mean that you're someone important?" and I simply replied "No, the suit and tie mean that I have a job. The color of my skin, the depth of my character and the substance of what comes out of my mouth make me important." No moral to this story but I like telling it. Okay, Okay. I think it's inspiration to any black person to get the fuck up and do something. Nothing in this world moves without us so we might as well hijack the ship and take it wherever the fuck we wanna go. Think I've lost it, think about this. Nobody in this world makes money unless black people keep buying shit we don't need and does the grunt work for the government. Look at the shit that's directly marketed towards us. Sit down and watch Black Embarassment Television for a whole day, not for the booty shakin but pay attention to the commercials. When was the last time you seen 453089435 commercials for the Army on CBS? They not looking to recruit young black people into the Army because we are such efficent soldiers, on the contrary, according to them we are such expendable soldiers. Just something to think about. I'ma keep reheatin this food for thought as often as I can, yall be lookin malnourished
Someone asked me to touch on this briefly so I will be as brief as possible, I also apologize for writing this 12 months after you asked me to. Let me just ask this, have you ever seen a police officer on the witness stand in court saying "Yes, my partner beat his head in because he was black and had an attitude, your honor"? I don't see how the police can be so outraged by society following the same creed they teach and practice. However, please stop wearing your whole M.O on fuckin t-shirts yo...
Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't me...Come again?!? No seriously, I wonder what would become of me if I wasn't educated, informed and opinionated? If I couldn't think for myself and I was just a follow-fashion monkey? If I was shy and couldn't talk to people? If I wasn't able to make people feel comfortable with just my smile and my ability to carry a conversation? Or if I was easily impressed? What if I backed down from a challenge? What would happen if I didn't run through obstacles like condoms? Where would I be now if I wasn't able to make money off each one of my hobbies? If I made the same mistakes twice? If I didn't learn something new each day? If I settled for anything less than I deserved? If I put up with foolishness? If I were a fool myself? What if I needed to drink or smoke in order to enjoy life? If I couldn't learn how to adapt to different situations? If I was afraid to take chances? If I had regrets about my past? What if I actually felt like a 21 year old rather than a 31 year old? If I wasn't so proud to be a black male? What about if I liked kids? Or if I had kids? *shudder* What if I surrounded myself with people who I thought were any less than my equals? If I didn't live alone? What if I was all of the aforementioned? Wait...I can answer that last one. I wouldn't be me.