In My Sleep
The trouble sleeping is nothing new, neither is the reverie. However, I've traded bad dreams for great nightmares. It's a good thing I learned long ago that a good night's rest is highly overrated, I'd rather be awake and thinking than asleep and letting my mind torture me. When I'm awake, I can choose not to have any emotions but after my eyes get heavy, everything I touch, I feel. I'm in a weird place right now. Too well off to even see rock bottom but saddled with enough obstacles that I wonder if I'll ever reach the summit. I'm always the first one to help someone up when they get knocked down but I'm realizing now that I don't want any help myself because for someone to help me up, it means they would have to witness my fall. I'm not comfortable with that. Ideally, I don't want to fail at all but in the event that I do, I don't want it to be a spectacle of any sort. Maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe I'm wrong about you, maybe I'm wrong about me...Maybe I should sleep on it.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
Apply Pressure
Any problem you encounter in this life can be remedied by applying pressure. For real, think about it. You suffer a deep wound, everyone will tell you to keep pressure on it. Your team is getting torched by the best player on the other squad, the coach is gonna tell you to put more pressure on him to make his life difficult and force him into making mistakes. Therefore, I'm gonna turn up the pressure myself. At the very least, something will change, something always does. And in the best case scenario, things will change so much that I won't recognize shit. Probably more importantly...You won't recognize me.
Any problem you encounter in this life can be remedied by applying pressure. For real, think about it. You suffer a deep wound, everyone will tell you to keep pressure on it. Your team is getting torched by the best player on the other squad, the coach is gonna tell you to put more pressure on him to make his life difficult and force him into making mistakes. Therefore, I'm gonna turn up the pressure myself. At the very least, something will change, something always does. And in the best case scenario, things will change so much that I won't recognize shit. Probably more importantly...You won't recognize me.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
More Than A Man (Decisions)
I made a decision...Despite all of the things that we go through, Im gonna take more time with you and be the friend you need. I made a decision that everything's gonna be alright, gonna stay strong and keep it tight, I'll be there indeed.
More than anything, you need me, I need you, we need each other. I won't promise to catch you every time you fall because those who don't hear must feel but I will always be there to pick you up and dust you off. I, more than anyone, understand how important good friends are and don't think for a second that I've turned my back on friendship and abandoned you, you just need to walk this path on your own because I can't follow you (more like carry you) anymore. If I didn't think you were more than capable of taking care of this yourself, we wouldn't be here right now. You'll be fine, maybe not for a while, but you will be. Make me proud.
I made a decision...Despite all of the things that we go through, Im gonna take more time with you and be the friend you need. I made a decision that everything's gonna be alright, gonna stay strong and keep it tight, I'll be there indeed.
More than anything, you need me, I need you, we need each other. I won't promise to catch you every time you fall because those who don't hear must feel but I will always be there to pick you up and dust you off. I, more than anyone, understand how important good friends are and don't think for a second that I've turned my back on friendship and abandoned you, you just need to walk this path on your own because I can't follow you (more like carry you) anymore. If I didn't think you were more than capable of taking care of this yourself, we wouldn't be here right now. You'll be fine, maybe not for a while, but you will be. Make me proud.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Sky might fall
I woke up to discover that my world as I knew it had come crashing down. Y'know what tho? I'm not even going to pick up the pieces of what once was. There is not one single thing in my past worth salvaging and I could definitely benefit from looking at things through soft eyes. I haven't lost much, what's missing now never was mine to beging with. I gained insight, which is more valuable than anything and anyone I'm turning my back on and I can approach life and anything she throws at me from a different perspective. While my eyes still get heavy when the day goes and I sleep, I'm still awake in a different state. So the sky might fall but I'm not worried at all, I'm flying too high to notice.
I woke up to discover that my world as I knew it had come crashing down. Y'know what tho? I'm not even going to pick up the pieces of what once was. There is not one single thing in my past worth salvaging and I could definitely benefit from looking at things through soft eyes. I haven't lost much, what's missing now never was mine to beging with. I gained insight, which is more valuable than anything and anyone I'm turning my back on and I can approach life and anything she throws at me from a different perspective. While my eyes still get heavy when the day goes and I sleep, I'm still awake in a different state. So the sky might fall but I'm not worried at all, I'm flying too high to notice.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Bury the dead and take care of the living
Regardless of how many times I replay history in my mind, it remains just that...history. No matter how many ways I can come up with on how I could have played things differently, the past will always be the past and for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with that fact. What's done is done and even if I wanted to go back and change things, I can't. That's right, even though I go hard on myself when I make my stupid mistakes, I still have no regrets. Fate, destiny, divine intervention...these things do not exist, life is what you make it. I made my bed, I had to lie in it eventually but I'm up now, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and it's a new day. There are new challenges, new obstacles and new hardships that aren't going to take a break and wait for me so I'm back on my horse.
Regardless of how many times I replay history in my mind, it remains just that...history. No matter how many ways I can come up with on how I could have played things differently, the past will always be the past and for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with that fact. What's done is done and even if I wanted to go back and change things, I can't. That's right, even though I go hard on myself when I make my stupid mistakes, I still have no regrets. Fate, destiny, divine intervention...these things do not exist, life is what you make it. I made my bed, I had to lie in it eventually but I'm up now, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and it's a new day. There are new challenges, new obstacles and new hardships that aren't going to take a break and wait for me so I'm back on my horse.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
If Tomorrow Comes
I don't know if I would describe myself as a risk taker. I'm as outgoing as they come but every decision I make is the result of much contemplation and weighing of options, a calculated risk one might say. However, there comes a day when you're not given an opportunity to sit back and think on a situation and you have to dive head first into the pool without checking the depth first. You can't prepare for these instances, it's simply just not possible, but know that they are coming and even when they do, you might not even notice it. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone to solve a problem, accomplish a task or just to enjoy yourself so embrace these opportunities, you might just learn something about yourself that you never would have known otherwise. A little personality vacation never hurt anyone (I had a very different stance on this statement until I took one myself) so bust out and do, buy or say something that you wouldn't otherwise.
"Don't choose security for fear of taking a risk. A boat in the harbor is safe but after time its bottom will rot out"
I honestly can't say it any better than that. Food for thought. Eat up before it gets cold.
I don't know if I would describe myself as a risk taker. I'm as outgoing as they come but every decision I make is the result of much contemplation and weighing of options, a calculated risk one might say. However, there comes a day when you're not given an opportunity to sit back and think on a situation and you have to dive head first into the pool without checking the depth first. You can't prepare for these instances, it's simply just not possible, but know that they are coming and even when they do, you might not even notice it. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone to solve a problem, accomplish a task or just to enjoy yourself so embrace these opportunities, you might just learn something about yourself that you never would have known otherwise. A little personality vacation never hurt anyone (I had a very different stance on this statement until I took one myself) so bust out and do, buy or say something that you wouldn't otherwise.
"Don't choose security for fear of taking a risk. A boat in the harbor is safe but after time its bottom will rot out"
I honestly can't say it any better than that. Food for thought. Eat up before it gets cold.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Cuts for luck, Scars for freedom
I never put much thought into my luck. It's never been particularly good or bad because I've never won the lottery or been struck by lightning (the only true barometers of good and bad luck :)). However, after my 10th flat tire in 6 years (5 in the past 2 years), I think maybe my luck kinda sucks after all. I don't think you can really prevent nails, screws and the other random crap out there from getting stuck in your radial but they seem drawn to me and whatever car I'm piloting at the time. So to combat the bad spirits and omens, I have enlisted the power of a good luck charm. Okay, so it's nothing more than the bolt that they removed from this latest flat tire but I'm hoping it can change my fortune at least a lil bit.
I never put much thought into my luck. It's never been particularly good or bad because I've never won the lottery or been struck by lightning (the only true barometers of good and bad luck :)). However, after my 10th flat tire in 6 years (5 in the past 2 years), I think maybe my luck kinda sucks after all. I don't think you can really prevent nails, screws and the other random crap out there from getting stuck in your radial but they seem drawn to me and whatever car I'm piloting at the time. So to combat the bad spirits and omens, I have enlisted the power of a good luck charm. Okay, so it's nothing more than the bolt that they removed from this latest flat tire but I'm hoping it can change my fortune at least a lil bit.
Got Cha Opin (April 24, 2009)
I need to start playing Chess again because my lack of foresight is taking me down a path that is strangely familiar. Should have seen this coming now that I think about it, I'm so much smarter than this. If hindsight is 20/20, mine must be broken because I don't learn from my mistakes it seems. No time for sulking tho (I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to beat myself up the next time I do something stupid), I put a plan into action and while the parameters and the objective have changes, I can't stop the machine...The damage is done. So let's see, what did I learn this time? (I suppose it can't hurt to analyse exactly where I fucked up, it's not like I learn from it). I opened myself up and what was revealed eventually led to my undoing (That sound familiar?. See what I mean about not following my own advice?) I think I should go back to "school" because I clearly haven't learned anything yet. I hope I learn something soon...My own medicine tastes terrible.
I need to start playing Chess again because my lack of foresight is taking me down a path that is strangely familiar. Should have seen this coming now that I think about it, I'm so much smarter than this. If hindsight is 20/20, mine must be broken because I don't learn from my mistakes it seems. No time for sulking tho (I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to beat myself up the next time I do something stupid), I put a plan into action and while the parameters and the objective have changes, I can't stop the machine...The damage is done. So let's see, what did I learn this time? (I suppose it can't hurt to analyse exactly where I fucked up, it's not like I learn from it). I opened myself up and what was revealed eventually led to my undoing (That sound familiar?. See what I mean about not following my own advice?) I think I should go back to "school" because I clearly haven't learned anything yet. I hope I learn something soon...My own medicine tastes terrible.
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