Take A Look At My Life

2009-05-25T10:41:00.003-04:00

In My Sleep

The trouble sleeping is nothing new, neither is the reverie. However, I've traded bad dreams for great nightmares. It's a good thing I learned long ago that a good night's rest is highly overrated, I'd rather be awake and thinking than asleep and letting my mind torture me. When I'm awake, I can choose not to have any emotions but after my eyes get heavy, everything I touch, I feel. I'm in a weird place right now. Too well off to even see rock bottom but saddled with enough obstacles that I wonder if I'll ever reach the summit. I'm always the first one to help someone up when they get knocked down but I'm realizing now that I don't want any help myself because for someone to help me up, it means they would have to witness my fall. I'm not comfortable with that. Ideally, I don't want to fail at all but in the event that I do, I don't want it to be a spectacle of any sort. Maybe I'm wrong about that, maybe I'm wrong about you, maybe I'm wrong about me...Maybe I should sleep on it.

2009-05-22T06:00:00.003-04:00

Apply Pressure

Any problem you encounter in this life can be remedied by applying pressure. For real, think about it. You suffer a deep wound, everyone will tell you to keep pressure on it. Your team is getting torched by the best player on the other squad, the coach is gonna tell you to put more pressure on him to make his life difficult and force him into making mistakes. Therefore, I'm gonna turn up the pressure myself. At the very least, something will change, something always does. And in the best case scenario, things will change so much that I won't recognize shit. Probably more importantly...You won't recognize me.

2009-05-21T14:13:00.001-04:00

More Than A Man (Decisions)

I made a decision...Despite all of the things that we go through, Im gonna take more time with you and be the friend you need. I made a decision that everything's gonna be alright, gonna stay strong and keep it tight, I'll be there indeed.

More than anything, you need me, I need you, we need each other. I won't promise to catch you every time you fall because those who don't hear must feel but I will always be there to pick you up and dust you off. I, more than anyone, understand how important good friends are and don't think for a second that I've turned my back on friendship and abandoned you, you just need to walk this path on your own because I can't follow you (more like carry you) anymore. If I didn't think you were more than capable of taking care of this yourself, we wouldn't be here right now. You'll be fine, maybe not for a while, but you will be. Make me proud.

2009-05-15T06:00:00.000-04:00

Sky might fall

I woke up to discover that my world as I knew it had come crashing down. Y'know what tho? I'm not even going to pick up the pieces of what once was. There is not one single thing in my past worth salvaging and I could definitely benefit from looking at things through soft eyes. I haven't lost much, what's missing now never was mine to beging with. I gained insight, which is more valuable than anything and anyone I'm turning my back on and I can approach life and anything she throws at me from a different perspective. While my eyes still get heavy when the day goes and I sleep, I'm still awake in a different state. So the sky might fall but I'm not worried at all, I'm flying too high to notice.

2009-05-14T06:00:00.000-04:00

Bury the dead and take care of the living

Regardless of how many times I replay history in my mind, it remains just that...history. No matter how many ways I can come up with on how I could have played things differently, the past will always be the past and for the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with that fact. What's done is done and even if I wanted to go back and change things, I can't. That's right, even though I go hard on myself when I make my stupid mistakes, I still have no regrets. Fate, destiny, divine intervention...these things do not exist, life is what you make it. I made my bed, I had to lie in it eventually but I'm up now, I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and it's a new day. There are new challenges, new obstacles and new hardships that aren't going to take a break and wait for me so I'm back on my horse.

2009-05-13T15:15:00.003-04:00

If Tomorrow Comes

I don't know if I would describe myself as a risk taker. I'm as outgoing as they come but every decision I make is the result of much contemplation and weighing of options, a calculated risk one might say. However, there comes a day when you're not given an opportunity to sit back and think on a situation and you have to dive head first into the pool without checking the depth first. You can't prepare for these instances, it's simply just not possible, but know that they are coming and even when they do, you might not even notice it. You sometimes have to step out of your comfort zone to solve a problem, accomplish a task or just to enjoy yourself so embrace these opportunities, you might just learn something about yourself that you never would have known otherwise. A little personality vacation never hurt anyone (I had a very different stance on this statement until I took one myself) so bust out and do, buy or say something that you wouldn't otherwise.

"Don't choose security for fear of taking a risk. A boat in the harbor is safe but after time its bottom will rot out"

I honestly can't say it any better than that. Food for thought. Eat up before it gets cold.

2009-05-04T14:29:00.002-04:00

Cuts for luck, Scars for freedom

I never put much thought into my luck. It's never been particularly good or bad because I've never won the lottery or been struck by lightning (the only true barometers of good and bad luck :)). However, after my 10th flat tire in 6 years (5 in the past 2 years), I think maybe my luck kinda sucks after all. I don't think you can really prevent nails, screws and the other random crap out there from getting stuck in your radial but they seem drawn to me and whatever car I'm piloting at the time. So to combat the bad spirits and omens, I have enlisted the power of a good luck charm. Okay, so it's nothing more than the bolt that they removed from this latest flat tire but I'm hoping it can change my fortune at least a lil bit.

2009-05-04T14:23:00.006-04:00

Got Cha Opin (April 24, 2009)

I need to start playing Chess again because my lack of foresight is taking me down a path that is strangely familiar. Should have seen this coming now that I think about it, I'm so much smarter than this. If hindsight is 20/20, mine must be broken because I don't learn from my mistakes it seems. No time for sulking tho (I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to beat myself up the next time I do something stupid), I put a plan into action and while the parameters and the objective have changes, I can't stop the machine...The damage is done. So let's see, what did I learn this time? (I suppose it can't hurt to analyse exactly where I fucked up, it's not like I learn from it). I opened myself up and what was revealed eventually led to my undoing (That sound familiar?. See what I mean about not following my own advice?) I think I should go back to "school" because I clearly haven't learned anything yet. I hope I learn something soon...My own medicine tastes terrible.

2009-04-24T08:58:00.003-04:00

The ends justify the means

Results.

That is all that life comes down to.

You don't have to answer for shit when your actions produce the desired results. Rightfully so because growing up black, not too many people care about what you think or how you feel. It sounds harsh but the reality is that young black men will always be judged based on their actions before any consideration is taken into the mitigating circumstances, if any consideration is taken at all. Perhaps I can only speak for myself on this but I was raised with little to no interest from anyone in taking my feelings in account besides a "big boys don't cry" comment when I was 3 that I took with me. You ever ask "Why everyone is trying to be so hard all the time?" It's not because of anything we've seen on TV or heard on the radio or read in a magazine, it's simply the way most of us have been conditioned. I guess some would call it "tough love" but I call it preparing us to head out into a world that doesn't love us, a world that doesn't want us to love ourselves. If you haven't developed thick skin and soft eyes by the time you're old enough to cross the street without holding someone's hand, you're in for a rude awakening from a society and system that treats us like we don't matter. Acting on emotion is a very dangerous practice in a world like ours where compassion, understanding and forgiveness are hard to come by and it's best to keep your heart and your head in check. While the chips are gonna fall where they may, nobody notices everything they hit on the way down so keep your eyes open, your head down and get it done.

2009-03-29T18:40:00.001-04:00

Everything is young, fresh and new (written January 1, 2009)

My timing couldn't be better. As a new year arrives, I've already been trimming the fat since Boxing Day. Anything and anyone that does not directly benefit me or prove themselves an asset has got to go. It's a new day and I'm not for the bullshit, if you have no reason to be around or you no longer serve a purpose, your end of days is rapidly approaching. I've stopped providing second chances, no more exceptions, if I'm not going to take any redo's then I have to stop giving them out too. I am not a man who has anything that I can't leave at baggage claim and I'm not a bellboy...I'm not carrying your shit either. It is so refreshing to start...well...fresh. My personal life is zestfully clean in this bitch and I fully intend to keep it that way and as uncomplicated as possible. I've cut ties with everything and everyone that even remotely reminds me of what I think was a very unproductive 2008 where I didn't make the strides I wanted to make and moved backwards more than I went forward. So start running with me or get run over.

2009-03-29T18:26:00.002-04:00

Retrospect For Life (written December 31, 2008)

Right before I began putting pen to pad and started scribing the final piece I'll write in 2008, I broke one of my unwritten rules. I flipped back through the pages of my notebook and read what I wrote 366 days ago. It is a huge departure for me but I think before I can reflect on what 2008 was to me, I need to remind myself of what I expected it to be and more importantly, what I was hoping it would be. All that stability I was yearning for didn't last. That beautiful woman that was the foundation of that stable new year was gone before the spring came and my house of cards came tumbling down shortly after. Like I suspected, I was working with an entirely new team (in an entirely different province) by May and by the end of Summer, actively looking for new employment. In the end, I've come to appreciate the turbulence that is my life because everything that has happened in the past 366 days happened for a reason and I'm in a better position right now than I ever was at any point in the past. Hardship is simply life's way of seeing what you are made of. I've stated this many times over and proved just as many times over that I am a man, not a mouse

2009-02-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

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2009-01-08T11:42:00.002-05:00

My Prime Minister is white

A month later, the slogans and chants are still sinking in for me. "Yes We Can", "Yes We Did", "Progress", "The Change We Need", etc. Barack obama is the President-Elect of the United States of America and as a black man in the 21st Century, there is no other moment I can single out that has made me feel prouder to be black. Not simply because a black man is now the leader of the free world but rather, Americans were able to look past race and see that he was clearly the right man for the job. Now I am far too young and far too Canadian to remember the Civil Rights Movement but this is a country that as recently as 43 years ago didn't even allow black people to vote, let alone run for public office. "Progress" has most definitely been made and never again will we be considered 3/5th of a person but will any of that progress affect the way we do things politically north of the 49th parallel? If you're asking me, I'll tell you right now, straight up...Not a chance.

The main reason why the faces of our politicians and the face of our country won't change is because no one ever acknowledges the fact that we have a problem with racism in this country. I'm gonna let you in on a little secret that some of you probably already know and will probably offend the rest of you, racism in Canada is more dangerous than racism in America. I'll repeat that, racism in Canada is more dangerous than racism in American. You might think I've lost it but hear me out. When was the last time you saw a minority take public office or promoted to a position of power such as police chief in this country? Hell, when was the last time a minority was a party leader, strong candidate or under consideration for one of the aforementioned roles? I'll give you a moment to think on that..........................

Need a lil while longer? That's cool, I'll wait........................

Give up?

Don't feel too bad though, it was a trick question because the scenario I described has NEVER happened in Canada. So while Americans are making progress towards racial equality (and don't think for a second that I think they are anywhere close just because there are black people in the WHITE House. That's a long road and they've just decided to stand up and start walking down it after years of crawling on the soft shoulder) any such advancement is illusionary in this country.

The lack of representation isn't why I feel that minorites are in danger, the thing that worries me most is that racism in this country is systemic, meaning that the way things currently are were strategically constructed in that manner so that a) to the naked eye, it appears that everyone has an equal opportunity in Canada and b) the reaction of anyone who does recognize this racism for what it is and its impact is usually nothing more than "Meh". Let's face it, this is not a closely guarded conspiracy orchestrated by a secret society in the tunnels and catacombs benneath Parliament Hill, these are the very policies and customs on which this country was founded on and for the most part, still adhere to. Do you realize that until 26 years ago, our Constitution was unconstitutional? That people were living in this country not knowing what rights they had or, more importantly, what rights they didn't? So it took 115 years for someone to fix that little oversight of the British monarchy, how long do you think it will be until they level the playing field for the darkies? Probably Neverary 32nd right?

We are talking about a "democracy" where the general population can vote for whichever political party they choose, they just are not permitted to choose who leads that party. Wait...what? So I can be a card-carrying Liberal supported through and through but I have no say on who guides the party by their own ideals? The purpose that this serves is to ensure that no matter the social climate of the nation, no matter the fact that demographics have changed drastically over the past 30 years, no matter a person's past mistakes (or in most cases, atrocities), there will always be handpicked leaders in the House of Commons and you won't ever see the Canadian equivalent of Obama vs. Clinton in the primaries. As monumental as a black man taking on a woman for leadership of the democratic party was for America, the very notion probably evokes nightmares in the members of the party caucuses in Canada. Not solely because a black man or a woman were running but because they wouldn't be able to control the outcome. Let's face it, the party members have their conventions and their own constitutions but there really is no process governing how the leaders are chosen, the caucus just gathers and selects a poster boy. What part about this process is democratic? Democracy in Canada is dead, we proved that when over 40% of eligible voters stayed home instead of exercising their franchise in the last election. We proved that when the opposition ganged up and tried to capture control of the government without an election. We proved it when our Prime Minister shut down Parliament in order to save his ass. The line between democracy and oligarchy is not thin at all. The most disheartening thing about the lay of the land here is the fact that things today are not much different than the way things were in 1867. There are no signs of change on the horizon and no desire by anyone in a position of power to disturb this preconceived "natural" order of things. Do you really think David Miller, Dalton McGuinty, Stephen Harper or any of the rest of em are in a rush to level the playing field? Hells no! They want their 150 year head start and to make sure you have to run uphill to try and catch up. So we can wear "PROGRESS" t-shirts with Obama's face plastered all over them, trying to pretend that we accomplished something on November 4, 2008 too but unfortunately, NO WE CAN'T

2009-01-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

Emotionless

It's a very dangerous thing when you start letting your emotions interfere with your everyday life. You get distracted easily, you can't focus and you stop thinking rationally. It cause you to act on impulse and do or say things that you do not mean to do or say. Common sense eludes you and whatever path you choose, no matter how convoluted, always seems like the right one. I'm trying to let go of my emotions so that I make sound decisions and avoid hurting myself and those around me. I'm doing what I have to now so I can do what I want to later and I can't let all of the ups and downs that life throws out at me push me off course...I have too many people counting on me.

2009-01-05T20:39:00.002-05:00

Can't win for losing

I always have a goal in mind regardless of what I'm doing, why I'm doing it and who I'm doing it with. There is certainly nothing wrong with being goal-oriented but sometimes I stop looking at all the steps between where I am and where I want to be. I always want to get there now, overlooking the consequences of my actions in the meantime. Things get said that really aren't meant and shouldn't have been said in the first place, people get uneasy, feelings get hurt. Worst of all is the fact that I'm always so hard on myself. I can't help but take things personally, no matter what kind of front I put up. If I don't get my way I feel like a failure and as often as I talk to you within these pages, you know how much I hate to fail. Today was one of those days, when I saw my goal and only my goal, and I didn't stop to think about what course of action I was taking. Only thing is now I feel tentative about going forward. I don't just feel like I lost, I feel like I can't win.

2009-01-05T20:30:00.002-05:00

Till It Happens To You

It is easy to evaluate, ridicule and criticize a situation when you're on the outside looking in. No matter how much you have invested in the issue, the outcome ultimately does not affect you. You always hear that quarterback is the most difficult position to play in all of sports, well, if that is the case, Monday morning quarterback must be the easiest. But all that goes out the window when it's happening to you, right out the window onto the front lawn along with logic, common sense and discretion. No one likes it when the joke's on them but it cuts just a little deeper when you've watched countless others (or maybe yourself even) make the same mistakes before you and you've even chastised that person for those past follies then grab the table salt and pour that shit in. I don't embarrass easy but I get red in the face (I don't mean that literally, obviously) when I make the same gaffe more than once. I find myself traveling a very familiar road as of late, getting caught up in the excitement of the trip and missing all of the warning signs along the way. Thankfully, I've been blessed with serenity, courage and wisdom. The serenity to accept the things in my life that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Sometimes you have to stop and think about where it is you are headed and whether or not there is a better path to that destination than the one that you are on. Luckily, I didn't have to turn back and start my trip all over again, I just had to slow down a bit. Y'know, put it in 3rd and cruise for a while. I will get there eventually, after all.

2008-12-15T11:21:00.001-05:00

One year ago yesterday, we lost a close friend. Lost but never forgotten.

R.I.P. Glenn "Omodiende" Reitz

2008-12-15T11:14:00.004-05:00

I Am Not My Body

By Glenn “Omodiende” Reitz

I am not my body
I am not weak,
weak with fatigue, weak with atrophy, weak with limbs that give out well before the job is done, quivering and panting.

I am not my body
I am not dying, decaying, degenerating
debilitating, disease-ridden, dissolving, disappearing…
slowly, like blood stains on the sidewalk, bleaching under footsteps and the daily sun –
until one day you just notice that they’re gone
and you can’t remember who left them, who died.
All you can remember is that the crime scene jammed traffic for blocks, the sudden stop/start of the bus spilling coffee on your shirt, and making you late for work.
You remember that.
Curious, though, the coffee stain is still there, no matter what you do –
just keep your jacket closed so no one sees.

I am not my body,
I am not slowly slipping into shadows
Losing brightness and luminosity
Sinking in obscurity and the sussurus of memory.
I am not my body
slowly wearing out like an eraser on the pencil of a writer
leaving bits and pieces of myself behind, evidence of mistakes and redirected thought,
wearing slowly to a useless nub.
If I would write less perhaps I would last longer, maintain my shape, my form, my bodybut the writing serves a purpose, if only to make the eraser useful.
And the writing I can’t stop.

I am not my body
I’m a shining, luminous creature, strong and vibrant
casting shadows of my own illuminesence
burning into minds and onto paper
growing stronger every day.
My appetite and capacity feed cravings that direct me and empower me
imparting flight to me like that of hummingbirds – no,
not stupid hummingbirds but honeybees.
Swarming out from hidden places, taking sustenance and energy from everywhere they stop to feed, yet always leaving something fertile and productive,
bits and pieces left behind. They, too, serve a purpose.
but even bees are gone at sunset, fly to shadows ‘fore the night arrives
So maybe then I’m not a bee, or hummingbird.
But I am damned sure not my body
I’m not.

2008-12-11T20:05:00.001-05:00

If...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

2008-12-08T00:05:00.002-05:00

Life is like a train ride

Life is like a train ride.
We get on. We ride. We get off. We get back on and ride some more. There are accidents and there are delays. At certain stops there are surprises. Some of these will translate into great moments of joy; some will result in profound sorrow. When we are born and we first board the train, we meet people whom we think will be with us for the entire journey. Those people are our parents!

Sadly, this is far from the truth.
Our parents are with us for as long as we absolutely need them. They too have journeys they must complete. We live on with the memories of their love, affection, friendship, guidance and their ever presence.

There are others who board the train and who eventually become very important to us, in turn.

These people are our brothers, sisters, friends and acquaintances, whom we will learn to love, and cherish.

Some people consider their journey like a jaunty tour. They will just go merrily along.

Others will encounter many upsets, tears, losses on their journey.
Others still, will linger on to offer a helping hand to anyone in need.

Some people on the train will leave an everlasting impression when they get off….

Some will get on and get off the train so quickly, they will scarcely leave a sign that they ever travelled along with you or ever crossed your path…

We will sometimes be upset that some passengers, whom we love, will choose to sit in another compartment and leave us to travel on our own.

Then again, there’s nothing that says we can’t seek them out anyway.
Nevertheless, once sought out and found, we may not even be able to sit next to them because that seat will already be taken.

That’s okay …everyone’s journey will be filled with hopes, dreams, challenges, setbacks and goodbyes.

We must strive to make the best of it… no matter what...

We must constantly strive to understand our travel companions and look for the best in everyone.

Remember that at any moment during our journey, any one of our travel companions can have a weak moment and be in need of our help.

We too may vacillate or hesitate, even trip… hopefully we can count on someone being there to be supportive and understanding…

The bigger mystery of our journey is that we don’t know when our last stop will come. Neither do we know when our travel companions will make their last stop. Not even those sitting in the seat next to us.

Personally, I know I’ll be sad to make my final stop…. I’m sure of it! My separation from all those friends and acquaintances I made during the train ride will be painful. Leaving all those I’m close to will be a sad thing. But then again, I’m certain that one day I’ll get to the main station only to meet up with everyone else. They’ll all be carrying their baggage… most of which they didn’t have when they first got on this train.

I’ll be glad to see them again. I’ll also be glad to have contributed to their baggage… and to have enriched their lives, just as much as they will have contributed to my baggage and enriched my life.

We’re all on this train ride together. Above all, we should all try to strive to make the ride as pleasant and memorable as we can, right up until we each make the final stop and leave the train for the last time.

All aboard!
Safe journey!!

BON VOYAGE!!!

2008-12-04T20:18:00.003-05:00

Maybe I'm on a spaceship

As I get older, I'm coming to terms with the fact that there are not that many choices in life. That great cliché we were all taught when we were young about there always being a choice? Not entirely true, probably something meant to help us develop a conscience but there will come a day when out of desperation that you will do something you don't necessarily want to but you have to in order to protect your assets, your loved ones or your livelihood, sometimes all three. The lack of choices isn't solely a situation that you will only encounter when you're on the defensive either. Sometimes it is about following orders to protect ya neck or staying away from your kid because of what a malicious ex wants and what a judge dictates. I can keep drawing up scenarios but I don't think that would be necessary, you can all think about a situation you were recently in where you had no choice in your actions or the outcome. Maybe that's just me, maybe I'm on a spaceship

2008-11-03T16:07:00.002-05:00

Valediction

You know very well that this is about you and you should know why. If, for whatever reason, you do not know what this is all about then I think I've made my point.

No need to remove your coat
No need to take off your shoes
Usually you could stay but not today,
not today no
This place is no longer yours and
I left your things here right by the door
Please don't be that way not today, not
today no
Our love is such a rush
But inside its slowly killing me
Nothing more for me to say but not
today, not today no
So we must say our goodbyes
To all of the pain and the lies
But nothing's been more true, than
these words to you

I've been changed and rearranged and
It's not like it was before
And when the sun shines
I'll show her why
She can't keep me anymore

2008-07-05T17:51:00.001-04:00

What to the slave is the Fourth of July?

FELLOW CITIZENS, pardon me, allow me to ask, why am I called upon to speak here today? What have I, or those I represent, to do with your national independence? Are the great principles of political freedom and natural justice, embodies in that Declaration of Independence, extended to us? And am I, therefore, called upon to bring our humble offering to the national altar, and to confess the benefits and express devout gratitude for the blessings resulting from your independence to us?

Would to God, both for your sakes and ours, that an affirmative answer could be truthfully returned to these questions! Then would my task be light, and my burden easy and delightful. For who is there so cold, that a nation's sympathy could not warm him? Who so obdurate and dead to the claims of gratitude, that would not thankfully acknowledge such priceless benefits? Who so stolid and selfish, that would not give his voice to swell the hallelujahs of a nation's jubilee, when the chains of servitude had been torn from his limbs? I am not that man. In a case like that, the dumb might eloquently speak, and the "lame man leap as an hart."

But such is not the state of the case. I say it with a sad sense of the disparity between us. I am not included within the pale of glorious anniversary! Your high independence only reveals the immeasurable distance between us. The blessings in which you, this day, rejoice, are not enjoyed in common. The rich inheritance of justice, liberty, prosperity and independence, bequeathed by your fathers, is shared by you, not by me. The sunlight that brought light and healing to you, has brought stripes and death to me.

This Fourth July is yours, not mine. You may rejoice, I must mourn. To drag a man in fetters into the grand illuminated temple of liberty, and call upon him to join you in joyous anthems, were inhuman mockery and sacrilegious irony. Do you mean, citizens, to mock me, by asking me to speak today?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FELLOW CITIZENS, above your national, tumultuous joy, I hear the mournful wail of millions!--whose chains, heavy and grievous yesterday, are, today, rendered more intolerable by the jubilee shouts that reach them. If I do forget, if I do not faithfully remember those bleeding children of sorrow this day, "may my right hand forget her cunning, and may my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth!" To forget them, to pass lightly over their wrongs, and to chime in with the popular theme, would be treason most scandalous and shocking, and would make me a reproach before God and the world.

My subject, then, fellow citizens, is American slavery. I shall see this day and its popular characteristics from the slave's point of view. Standing there, identified with the American bondman, making his wrongs mine, I do not hesitate to declare, with all my soul, that the character and conduct of this nation never looked blacker to me than on this 4th of July!

Whether we turn to the declarations of the past, or to the professions of the present, the conduct of the nation seems equally hideous and revolting. America is false to the past, false to the present, and solemnly binds herself to be false to the future. Standing with God and the crushed and bleeding slave on this occasion, I will, in the name of humanity which is outraged, in the name of liberty which is fettered, in the name of the Constitution and Bible which are disregarded and trampled upon, dare to call in question and to denounce, with all the emphasis I can command, everything that serves to perpetuate slavery--the great sin and shame of America!

"I will not equivocate; I will not excuse"; I will use the severest language I can command; and yet not one word shall escape me that any man, whose judgement is not blinded by prejudice, or who is not at heart a slaveholder, shall not confess to be right and just.

But I fancy I hear some of my audience say, it is just in this circumstance that you and your brother abolitionists fail to make a favorable impression on the public mind. Would you argue more, and denounce less, would you persuade more, and rebuke less, your cause would be much more likely to succeed.

But, I submit, where all is plain there is nothing to be argued. What point in the anti-slavery creed would you have me argue? On what branch of the subject do the people of this country need light? Must I undertake to prove that the slave is a man? That point is conceded already. Nobody doubts it. The slaveholders themselves acknowledge it in the enactment of laws for their government. They acknowledge it when they punish disobedience on the part of the slave. There are 72 crimes in the state of Virginia, which, if committed by a black man (no matter how ignorant he be), subject him to the punishment of death; while only two of the same crimes will subject a white man to the like punishment.

What is this but the acknowledgment that the slave is a moral, intellectual and responsible being? The manhood of the slave is conceded. It is admitted in the fact that Southern statute books are covered with enactments forbidding, under severe fines and penalties, the teaching of the slave to read or to write.

When you can point to any such laws, in reference to the beasts of the field, then I may consent to argue the manhood of the slave. When the dogs in your streets, when the fowls of the air, when the cattle on your hills, when the fish of the sea, and the reptiles that crawl, shall be unable to distinguish the slave from a brute, then will I argue with you that the slave is a man!

For the present, it is enough to affirm the equal manhood of the Negro race. Is it not astonishing that, while we are plowing, planting, and reaping, using all kinds of mechanical tools, erecting houses, constructing bridges, building ships, working in metals of brass, iron, copper, silver and gold; that, while we are reading, writing and ciphering, acting as clerks, merchants and secretaries, having among us lawyers, doctors, ministers, poets, authors, editors, orators and teachers; that, while we are engaged in all manner of enterprises common to other men, digging gold in California, capturing the whale in the Pacific, feeding sheep and cattle on the hillside, living, moving, acting, thinking, planning, living in families as husbands, wives and children, and, above all, confessing and worshipping the Christian's God, and looking hopefully for life and immortality beyond the grave, we are called upon to prove that we are men!

Would you have me argue that man is entitled to liberty? That he is the rightful owner of his own body? You have already declared it. Must I argue the wrongfulness of slavery?…To do so, would be to make myself ridiculous, and to offer an insult to your understanding. There is not a man beneath the canopy of heaven who does not know that slavery is wrong for him.

What, am I to argue that it is wrong to make men brutes, to rob them of their liberty, to work them without wages, to keep them ignorant of their relations to their fellow men, to beat them with sticks, to flay their flesh with the lash, to load their limbs with irons, to hunt them with dogs, to sell them at auction, to sunder their families, to knock out their teeth, to burn their flesh, to starve them into obedience and submission to their masters? Must I argue that a system thus marked with blood, and stained with pollution, is wrong? No! I will not. I have better employments for my time and strength than such arguments would imply.

What, then, remains to be argued? Is it that slavery is not divine; that God did not establish it; that our doctors of divinity are mistaken? There is blasphemy in the thought. That which is inhuman cannot be divine! Who can reason on such a proposition? They that can, may; I cannot. The time for such argument is passed.

At a time like this, scorching irony, not convincing argument, is needed. Oh! Had I the ability, and could reach the nation's ear, I would today pour out a fiery stream of biting ridicule, blasting reproach, withering sarcasm, and stern rebuke. For it is not light that is needed, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake. The feeling of the nation must be quickened; the conscience of the nation must be roused; the propriety of the nation must be startled; the hypocrisy of the nation must be exposed; and its crimes against God and man must be proclaimed and denounced.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

WHAT TO the American slave is your 4th of July? I answer: a day that reveals to him, more than all other days in the year, the gross injustice and cruelty to which he is the constant victim. To him, your celebration is a sham; your boasted liberty, an unholy license; your national greatness, swelling vanity; your sounds of rejoicing are empty and heartless; your denunciations of tyrants, brass fronted impudence; your shouts of liberty and equality, hollow mockery; your prayers and hymns, your sermons and thanksgivings, with all your religious parade and solemnity, are, to him, mere bombast, fraud, deception, impiety, and hypocrisy--a thin veil to cover up crimes which would disgrace a nation of savages. There is not a nation on the earth guilty of practices more shocking and bloody than are the people of the United States, at this very hour.

Go where you may, search where you will, roam through all the monarchies and despotisms of the Old World, travel through South America, search out every abuse, and when you have found the last, lay your facts by the side of the everyday practices of this nation, and you will say with me that, for revolting barbarity and shameless hypocrisy, America reigns without a rival.

Fellow citizens, the murderous traffic [the slave trade] is today in active operation in this boasted republic. In the solitude of my spirit, I see clouds of dust raised on the highways of the South; I see the bleeding footsteps; I hear the doleful wail of fettered humanity, on the way to the slave markets, where the victims are to be sold like horses, sheep, and swine, knocked off to the highest bidder. There I see the tenderest ties ruthlessly broken, to gratify the lust, caprice and rapacity of the buyers and sellers of men. My soul sickens at the sight.

Fellow citizens! The existence of slavery in this country brands your republicanism as a sham, your humanity as a base pretence, and your Christianity as a lie. It destroys your moral power abroad; it corrupts your politicians at home. It saps the foundation of religion; it makes your name a hissing, and a byword to a mocking earth. It is the antagonistic force in your government, the only thing that seriously disturbs and endangers your Union. It fetters your progress; it is the enemy of improvement, the deadly foe of education; it fosters pride; it breeds insolence; it promotes vice; it shelters crime; it is a curse to the earth that supports it; and yet, you cling to it, as if it were the sheet anchor of all your hopes.

Oh be warned! Be warned! A horrible reptile is coiled up in your nation's bosom; the venomous creature is nursing at the tender breast of your youthful republic; for the love of God, tear away, and fling from you the hideous monster, and let the weight of twenty millions crush and destroy it forever!

2008-04-30T00:04:00.000-04:00

Between women and money.

As I assume new roles and responsibilities, the work piles up higher and higher and from under the pile I find myself looking for sources of motivation, something that keeps pushing me towards tomorrow. I will tell you something, between women and money, there is nothing harder to acquire and hold on to than motivation. Although for some, they need no more motivation than women and money, however, it runs a little deeper than that for me. My life revolves around more than just women, money and cars. Don't get me wrong, I like money, hoes and clothes as much as the next man but that's not enough to drive me in the day to day grind. I need so much more than that, I need to know that I'm putting my all into everything I do, I need to be better than everyone around in at least one thing and I need to know that what I'm doing today will have ramifications on what I do tomorrow. After all, if you're not fired up with enthusiasm, you will be fired...with enthusiasm.

2008-04-30T00:01:00.003-04:00

The tree that doesn't bend breaks.

I'm trying to ease up a little, slow it down and enjoy life some more. Contrary to popular belief, I do not spend my days sitting in a bunker writing angry letters but I'm doing my best to stop reflecting that image to those around me. I've learned that I have to stop sweating the small stuff or everything is going to overwhelm me. I can't let that happen anymore. However, there is a flip side. I'm not for the bullshit this year and there is some shit I simply will not let slide. That doesn't mean that I'm going to let those things consume my life or stop me from what I'm out here to do. I'm just not going to have it. I'll even ignore it completely if I have to, in fact, I already have. Some people are going to wake up and realize that they no longer exist to me because bend too far and you've already broken.

2008-03-30T18:49:00.002-04:00

Here's what they think about you.

I think so of you may be confused. I'm simply a young black male who can constructively speak his mind, I never said I was Earl Monroe (Black Jesus, in the likely event that that one went over your head). I'm not here to save you all and I'm not running out to engage complete strangers in debates about every issue under the sun. I am standoffish and at times, even anti-social. I don't open up and share my feelings on the spot to just anyone, anywhere (what do you think this blog is for after all?) I don't trust many people because the people who are supposed to have my best interests at heart and want the best for me, don't. Everyone out here pretty much has the same goals in mind (money, hoes and clothes), they just have different means and methods at their disposal in order to arrive at this destination and I don't mean to alarm you but I'm no different. My weapon is just a pen rather than a Glock. There are times when I can't rely on anyone, including myself. I hate my emotions and I wish I could do something to separate myself from them, I find that they impede my progress. I don't smile very often...There's nothing nice to smile about.

2008-03-05T23:41:00.002-05:00

Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

I constantly catch myself thinking about my virtues, as well as my vices, and debating whether or not I am a "good" person. But what makes a good person? And who is it up to to decide who is good or not? And what in the hell gives them that right? I know that what constitutes good to me is different than that of the person next to me but virtues aren't open for discussion or interpretation, you either possess them or you don't. However, being virtuous has nothing to do with your genetic makeup and everything to do with how you were raised and the environment you find yourself in. You cannot teach people a virtue by requiring them to read books about it. You can only teach a virtue by calling upon people to exercise it. Virtue is not an innate property of character; it is an attribute of behavior and the only reward of virtue is virtue. In order to have a friend, you must be a friend.

2008-03-05T23:18:00.002-05:00

Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put my childish ways behind me.

I don't think that there are any other words that better describe my coming of age and parth to manhood than these. I don't remember much about my childhood but I do recall the "learning experiences" I embarked upon (In other words, every time I fucked up). Most of these missteps and miscues were the result of inexperience and naiverty on my part and I learned most of my lessons the hard way but I'm a better person for it. You may say that not trusting people is not the most endearing personality trait to possess but I've managed to stick around by not putting my faith in people and letting time dictate what kind of role certain people will play in the movie that is life (you honestly couldn't write some of the shit I've seen). What I mean by that is take the time to figure people out (because it's not rocket science), observe how they treat you and the people around them and watch how they act under and react to, pressure. I honestly and whole-heartedly believe that last one is the ultimate telltale way to find out details about someone that words could never reveal. I would be lying if I said that I didn't sometimes miss the simplicity of childhood but it's too late to go back nor would I want to, I'm having too much fun without knowing what's coming up around the corner. Oh, and I almost forgot to address something off-topic but relevant to this conversation. A lot of people who read what I offer in this space think I'm cold-hearted and go around saying as much. I would like to remind them while true, you don't even know the half of it...You haven't even factored in the wind chill.

2008-03-01T19:25:00.002-05:00

Survival ≠ Strength

I don't know if people have been listening to too much Kanye West or what, but simply showing up and sticking around does not make you harder, better, faster and it certainly does not make you stronger. Overcoming obstacles and persevering through the hardships life throws at you is definitely something to be proud of and by all means, you SHOULD pride yourself on it to the fullest but do not mistake that for empowerment. It takes a lot more than just withstanding a challenge to grow as a person. In face, if you do not learn from the mistakes that cause the strife in your life in the first place, you'll end up taking more steps backward than forward. I've always said that the hardships and obstacles encountered each and every day are life's way of testing us, finding out what we're made of and seeing if we'll crack under the pressure. However, although these tests are, for the most part, inevitable, there are many challenges that are preventable or even avoidable altogether. On top of that, it is absolutely inexcusable to allow the same mistakes to repeat themselves and cause the same setbacks. Yes, everyone makes mistakes but only a fool makes the same mistake twice. To effectively grow as a person, you must look back at what you've done wrong and identify what you could have done differently. Without evaluating situations, you cannot take any information from the scenario and no matter how many times you'll get burned, you'll keep doing the same over and over again. You must adjust and adapt in order to advance. Don't for a second think that just because you've had a rough ride in life and you managed to stick it out and hang around means that you're any better than you were before. Simply showing up doesn't mean shit.

2007-12-30T20:37:00.000-05:00

They Schools

The idea of black focused schools in Toronto deserves a much closer look, especially if the city is serious about implementing a pilot project next fall and by looked at I don't mean scoffing at the suggestion and crying out that it is racist and promotes segregation. I'll admit that when I first heard that the school board was even entertaining the idea, I stated publicly that it was stupid. Never mind the racial element of the proposal, I was put off by the fact that this was the first thing they wanted to try when it came to the issue of the high dropout rate among black students. It's a pretty drastic move to say the least and I would have at least liked to see them go another way before resorting to this but as I took the time to think about the matter some more I realized that sometimes drastic problems require drastic solutions and when more than half of the black males enrolled in Toronto public schools can't earn the minimum 16 credits after their sophomore year, that is a drastic problem. I would like to make myself clear when I say that although there are probably benefits in creating afro-centric schools, I in no way support the idea. I'm still taking a look at all of the factors and all of the arguments but in my mind, the idea has way too many flaws and I don't think people are ready for it nor can they handle it. The most glaring problem is that by going this route, the school board along with the provincial government are basically throwing up their hands and admitting failure. Now when approximately 47% of black students are dropping out of high school, it is as clear as day that you are failing but this seems more like bending over rather than doing something assertive and effective. The second thing that really jumps out at me about this topic is that not everyone is wild about this idea and not everyone is going to support these schools. If the school board and the government decide to go ahead with this, there will be those parents who won't be sending their children to these schools so what about them? I've heard a lot about what kind of curriculum will be taught, what kind of teachers will be brought in and what kind of environment the government will be trying to create in their pilot schools but what happens to the black students who remain in the current public school system? I've heard no other strategies to combat the issues in our schools besides black-focused schools so I have to wonder if there is even a plan to make curriculum changes or if everything will remain status quo. With a problem such as this one, with so many contributing factors, there is no quick fix or "magic bullet" that is going to make all of our problems go away. You can throw statistics at me all day about how well black focused schools have done in Detroit, Washington and Kansas City but compare those cities with Toronto and you'll see alarming differences, differences that dynamically affect the impact of these schools. This isn't solely the establishment's fault, fuck anyone who does not take responsibility for their actions. I repeat. FUCK anyone who is not willing to take responsibility for their actions. Every action that you take has an equal or greater reaction and inactivity is not an option in a world that won't slow down and wait for you to catch up. Without your education, you won't make it too far. In fact, these days without a high school diploma you can't make it anywhere. Stop making excuses for yourself and start making something of yourself. Yes, we are at a disadvantage because we are blacks in a world with all of the legal equality anyone would ever need but none of the substantive equality but that should be all of the motivation you'll ever need. Growing up, I was always told taught that being black, I had to be twice as good as everyone else to be considered equal. This is not necessarily the truth in everyone's eyes but I believe that to this day and take pride in tearing down stereotypes by pushing myself to my limits. There is only so much that the government, the school board, the teachers and the parents can do to make kids succeed. All of the co-operation in the world from the aforementioned groups don't do any good if the students simply do not want to get an education. A lot more questions need to be asked to understand the failing students. Why have we had studies about why it is not good to eat food off of the floor within 5 seconds but no one has taken the time to draw parallels between failing students and reasons for why they are failing? Where do they come from? Where do they live? Where do their parents come from? Do they even know their parents? What is different about them compared to the students who are excelling in the current system? I mean, these are educated professors, scholars, and so-called "experts" making these recommendations, right? Have they tried just talking to some of these kids? They're high school students, they're not that hard to figure out and they are smarter than you think. I just fear that this will send a message to black students that they need to be racially segregated in order to succeed, they they are incapable of learning alongside children of different race and ethnicities when that is far from the case. The only way to ensure that our children do not receive a lesser education is to provide them all with the same education, the "separate but equal" doctrine went out the window with Brown v. Board of Education. One of the greatest draws to living in Toronto is its diversity and multiculturalism, how can one learn to function in a society like that after spending their most formative years in an environment that is completely opposite. In the last provincial election, publicly funded faith-based schools was a hot topic for debate and in the end, it was shot down quickly and completely. However, it did raise a question in my mind about what kind of funding the schools in Ontario, Toronto specifically, receive now. The results didn't really surprise me. According to the Canadian Centre for Policy Alternatives, school funding per student today is lower than it was 10 years ago and dropout rates are higher today than in 1997. Hmmm, so let's recap shall we? It is fair to say that most of the black student in Ontario live in Toronto, so if the government is contributing less money for these students' education, does it not make sense to assume that today's students are receiving a lesser education than students 10 years ago? It's not the only reason for the dropout rates climbing but I'm just sayin...

2007-12-18T20:16:00.001-05:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there. I did not die.

2007-12-18T20:03:00.000-05:00

I would like to take a moment to pay my respects to the life of Glenn 'Omodiende' Reitz. Although we only knew one another through the written word, I owe a lot of credit to Omo for influencing my writing style as well as how I approach an argument (we've had plenty), how I formulate my opinion before opening my mouth and most importantly, how to listen. Along with the rest of the Barbershop Notebooks authors, we became The Great Debaters (Denzel ain't got shit on us) and let our words express our thoughts, our feelings and our personalities. When you said that I was your favorite blogger, it meant more to me than any other compliment that I had ever received in regards to my writing and made me take it a little more seriously than I had up to that point. As long as we have your words, you'll never truly be gone, and as happy as it makes us that you are no longer experiencing the pain you had been feeling, it hurts knowing that I won't see you pine in on whatever reckless statement I make tomorrow, next week or next year...but somewhere I know you'll be making your feelings known. And we endure...

2007-11-29T20:34:00.000-05:00

Just to put everyone on notice, I'm cutting the fat so to speak and removing the waste in my life. So if I don't talk to you anymore, don't be alarmed. If you're smart, you'll already know the reason why. If you can't figure it out, then you're a moron...kill yourself

2007-10-28T01:11:00.000-04:00

Freakfest was too much fun. More pictures are coming...even though most of the pictures of me were taken by people I don't know. I'm gonna be all over Facebook this week so tag me if you see me

2007-10-23T00:26:00.000-04:00

Love hurts. It's not just a cliché, it is a fact of life. Anyone reading this who has been in love before can more than attest to this statement. In the past few weeks, I've both witnessed and experienced some of the worst pain one can endure as a result of love. I understand that love makes us do stupid, crazy, misguided, petty and otherwise ridiculous things but at some point you have to ask yourself "Is it worth it?...Is it worth going through all of this for matters of the heart?" I don't think I can take much more of it to be honest with you. I'm worn out and beat down into the ground, I don't even want to pick myself up anymore sometimes. I'm being pulled every which way and as long as I don't break, everyone keeps tugging. I've been too much to too many people for far too long, I can't go on being everyone's everything anymore. I don't even know if I can't still be anyone's anything at this point. My heart is fractured, my mind in shambles. Ask me if it was worth it.

2007-10-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

Not too many people allow me to be myself. Let me say what I want to say, do what I like to do, be what I want to be. I'm either too brash, too blunt or too insensitive. But there exists a few who value and see the value in my words and actions. I admire these people because I definitely know that I am a lot to handle. I'm not exactly considerate of other people's feelings, certainly not politically correct but they don't seem to care and if they do, they keep it to themselves. I don't ever want to be defined by what I didn't say or what I didn't have the courage to do. I can't be something I'm not and you can only pretend for so long...and you're really fooling no one but yourself. My way doesn't always work, it's certainly not always right, and sometimes I end up feeling like I can't win for losing but in the end, it is still my way. So to all those who appreciate my honesty, my brashness, my attitude. Thank you, for allowing me to be me.

2007-10-12T13:44:00.000-04:00

I am the puzzle missing the sole piece. I am the store that the building refused. I am the first to come and the last to leave. I am not one to have ideas but rather, innovations. I am not the best at anything but I am good at everything. I am self-aware and aware of everything around me. I am the 401 at 5:15PM. I am ready for the world like Melvin Riley and Gordon Strozier. I am so 407. I am a fresh pair of white Uptowns in June. I am Yonge St. on the first Friday of August. I am cutting against the grain with every stroke.

2007-06-25T21:37:00.000-04:00

A few things you may not have known about me. Nothing excites me. I believe that the written word is man's greatest accomplishment. I am constantly struggling with my emotions. I don't smile very often. I won't shut up if you get me going. I prefer to be alone, simply because I am so used to it. I'm still learning to cook. I hate talking on the phone. Photography is my secret hobby and I always have a camera with me. I'm alone, not lonely. I'm still learning to ask for help. I never hold my tongue. I don't regret anything I've ever done. There are only two people in this world that I can count on in a pinch. I'm a computer geek. I'd rather stay home and read than go to a club. I have one sibling who is the only person in my family that I wholeheartedly trust. I have nightmares. I can honestly say that therapy is not for everyone. I feel a lot older than my DOB suggest I am. I don't look the age my DOB suggests either. I'm one of the few people lucky enough to drive their favorite car. I'm not used to people genuinely caring about me and it still makes me feel uncomfortable. This is the first time I've spoken this openly about myself. I'd kill myself before I relive the first 18 years of my life again. Same goes for going back to live in that house again. I can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I look in the mirror these days and the person looking back at me doesn't look familiar. I still don't like to travel. I'd drive to the end of the earth though. Failure is not an option for me, I'm in it to win it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.

2007-06-23T20:18:00.000-04:00

I felt that the best piece of writing I've produced in my life deserved a sequel so I present to you Manifest Destiny Pt. 2: Supreme Mathematics.

The Supreme Mathematics is an alleged system of understanding numbers alongside concepts that are used along with the Supreme Alphabet as tools to unlocking the keys to reality and/or the universe. I'm putting my own spin on the teachings of my new found faith and breaking down the keys to reality like only I can.

1. Knowledge is the accumulation of facts through observing, learning, and respecting. Knowledge is the foundation of all in existence, for it must be known in order to make it manifest. Knowledge is the light given off by our sun. It is also the original man, who is the foundation of Allah's family

Knowledge is not to be confused with intelligence. Being smart is a lot more than just simply possessing knowledge. It is about how you acquire knowledge, how you process that knowledge, and how you apply that knowledge to everyday situations. I've met countless people with more degrees than dollars because they have no practical ideas on how to utilise what they've learned. If anyone sees the logic in paying around $12,000 a year to go to school just to end up working in McDonald's for around $12,000 a year, please tell me.

2. Wisdom is to speak knowledge and act according to it. Wisdom is water, the vital building block of life. Wisdom is the original woman because through her womb, life is continued. It is a relection of one's knowledge and this fact is shown and proven by the moon, being a reflection of the Sun's light (Knowledge). Knowledge + the reflection of Knowledge = Wisdom (1+1=2)

This can't possibly get anymore self-explanatory, I'd just be repeating things.

3. Understanding is what shows and proves the completion of knowledge and wisdom (man, woman, child). Understanding is a clear mental comprehensio. It is the original child, which is the star. The highest form of understanding is love, the bond between man and woman, knowledge and wisdom.

Once learning how to apply one's knowledge, one gains understading of one's self and one's surroundings. The most direct definition of this would probably be "a psychological state in relation to an object or person whereby one is able to think about it and use concepts to be able to deal adequately with that object." I would simply call it clarity, seeing the world and all of the people in it for what they really are and what they are really capable of.

4. Culture/Freedom is one's way of living, meaning one's language (wisdom) and customs (ways and actions). Freedom, is to have a "free dome" (a liberated mind) or to lack restraints. The original man's culture is Islam, which is peace.

Every time the topic of freedom comes up I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes: "Man is condemned to be free. Condemned, for he did not create himself, but free in the sense that once thrown into the world he is responsible for everything he does."

5. Power/Refinement is the force of creative energy. To refine is to perfect. Power is the truth, which is Allah's mathematics. To have knowledge in the culture of Islam is to have Power.

Now you didn't think all of those "Knowledge is Power" messages that were pushed on us as kids was just clever marketing, did you?

6. Equality is the state or quality of being equal, meaning to deal equally with all in existence. Equality is achieved by teaching others Knowledge and Wisdom, and making it understood through Understanding.

It's one thing to acquire Knowledge and Wisdom then develop a sense of Understanding and enlighten those around us. It's a totally different thing to gain understanding of the world around us and let our peers stumble around in ignorance. I wouldn't be writing any of this (or anything I've written and shared with you over the past 2 years) if I didn't think someone was taking something from what I'm saying. I know I'm always ready to jump up and say that nobody reads this and thats true, but that doesn't mean that I don't lead by example. Nobody may be reading the words on the page but they may see how I am able to get my thoughts down on paper and try to do like me. I've said countless times in the past that I am not trying to lecture anyone, change the world or influence any generations but I have a responsibility to pass on what I know and leave somoe kind of legacy behind when I'm gone.

7. God. Allah is God. The supreme being, the Black man, is God, Allah, lord of all the worlds, supreme ruler of the universe, which is everything: sun, moon, and stars.

In the end, there is just Allah

8. Build/Destroy. To build is to elevate the mentality of self, and others around the self, to add on positive energy to Allah's nation. To destroy is to ruin it by allowing negativity to outweigh the positive.

Giving up on one another is the same as tearing each other down. There was even a point I was going to give up on my own generation because of what I had been shown but regardless of how ignorant some people's actions and opinions can be, we can't give up on them because they are our people. I'm not preaching from the pulpit by any means here but I can't stand watching the news with my camily and hearing my mother and my aunts rip on blacks when one of us is involved in a crime. By no means do I condone picking up a gun and ending another human being's life or any other type of violent crime but I do understand that desperate people do desperate things and I understand the kinds of desperate situations that people (not just black people) can wind up in, so while everybody else cries for theh shooting to stop, I cry for another reason. I cry for everyone living their life 15 days at a time. I cry for all the single mothers grinding to make sure their children want for nothing. I cry for everyone grinding it out in a classroom because they know that an education is a foot in the door. I cry for anyone who's ever done anything "wrong" to survive. I cry for every single person that has ever found their self in a hopeless situation before.

9. Born is the completion of all in existence. To manifest from Knowledge to Born, which is the law of mathematics - to be complete in itself.

Notice a trend here. 1 through 8, and we're slowly getting back to the beginning. Life is a cycle and the Nation of the Gods and the Earths is no different. Don't believe me?

0. Cipher is the completion of a circle consisting of 360 degrees (Knowledge=120°, Wisdom=120°, Understanding=120°). All in existence pertains to a cipher.

See...told ya

2007-06-19T23:37:00.001-04:00

Flashback for those of you who haven't been riding with me that long...

Manifest Destiny Pt. 1

manifest destiny
n.

1. the belief common in America in the early 1800s that it was the destiny or fate of the US to expand west to the Pacific Ocean. For many Americans, the belief had an almost religious intensity, and was often considered an obvious part of God's plan for America's future. It was with this feeling that settlers pushed west into Indian and Mexican controlled lands, confident that they were justified in doing whatever was necessary to spread the American flag and system of government.

2. a policy of imperialism rationalized as inevitable (as if granted by God)

The aforementioned definition is just a guide to make sure everyone understands what I mean when I go into detail about my manifest destiny.

To further grasp my manifest destiny, you must understand my situation. I wake up angry every day, I`ve done so for the past 10 years. I have virtually no family life whatsoever. I do whatever necessary to maintain. Being hood is a situation, not a state of mind. My way of getting money is out of necessity because I`m trying to survive. That being said...

I will...

live comfortably.

be viewed and judged for who I am, not what my background.

acknowledge that I am condemned to be free because once thrown into the world I am responsible for everything that I do.

abandon the fixation that i need to be rich, I just want to have enough money that I never have to say that I`m just scraping by.

be judged based on what I have to offer and what I can do to the best of my ability, not on the fact that I am Grenadian. There is far too much emphasize put on people`s backgrounds, in fact, upon meeting people itis almost always the 3rd or 4th question being asked of me. Ideally, I`d like to be looked upon as just a man but I do understand that this is the real world so I`ll accept being viewed as just a black man. People form expectations of what you should be based on your background which I find so ridiculous, they form prejudices against certain groups of people based on bad experiences with people of the same ancestry. I`ve been experimenting with throwing people curves and mixing up my ancestry when people ask, even telling people I don`t even know what my background is because I`m adopted (which is my favorite choice because I find it hilarious the various reactions you can get from people when they hear that you`re adopted).

do whatever it takes to get out of this place that I`m in.

do great things. After all, it is my God given right...right?

I will...

2007-06-19T23:36:00.001-04:00

I am the stone that the building refused. I am the visual, the inspiration, that made ladies sing the blues. I`m the spark that makes your idea bright, the same spark that lights the dark so you can know your left from your right. I am the ballot in ya box, the bullet in the gun, the inner glow that lets you know to call your brother son. The story that just begun, the promise of what`s to come and I`ma remain a soldier until the war is won.

2007-06-19T23:35:00.001-04:00

At this point in my life, survival is my main priority. In the real world, I`m going with theory over faith. Everything we know is "only the strongest survive" and if that`s the case I`m banking on Natural Selection, not Divine Intervention. Face it, when you`re asking me to put Jesus up against Darwin, Darwin wins every time and that has nothing to do with me being an Atheist it`s just survival of the fittest.

2007-06-19T22:58:00.000-04:00

First and foremost, Happy Juneteenth to all those who have their awareness up and know the significance of today's date in history. A lot of talk has been made lately regarding parenting in our city, specifically, if an absentee parent (read: father) drives a child to gangsterism (Yes, that is a word). Gangs are a touchy subject around here, so touchy that anytime someone is shot, stabbed, robbed or assaulted, everyone is quick to start blaming it on the "g-word". More often than not, those incidents have nothing to do with gang violence but instead, just...well...violence. People forget about the domestic disputes that get out of hand, random instances of aggression and the generally fucked up individuals that exist in our society because regardless of what Bill Blair says, I refuse to believe that there are over 75 gangs in this city. I think even our police chief has blurred the line between "gang" and "bunch of kids with guns". Gangs are structured, organized and, for the most part, display some degree of discipline. Kids with guns pop off simply because they can (and do dumb shit like shoot people in a crowded high school in the middle of the afternoon R.I.P. Jordan Manners) because they lack the ability to foresee any consequences (you can't foresee what you can't spell I guess). However, I digress. So is parenting, or rather, lack thereof, the primary cause of violent, criminal behavior in young black men and women? I wouldn't say that this is the long contributing factor, nor would I say it is a contributing factor across the board because for every fatherless gangbanger, I'll show you a fatherless doctor or lawyer or accountant. It is a factor but it has a different effect on different people. I just feel that it is irresponsible to cite this as the main predictor of how one's future will be shaped, ignoring other contributing factors such as social demographics, environment, and the media for example. I am not here trying to make excuses for anyone and I'm definitely not defending gangsterism (Yes really, it's a word) but I'm tired of people getting on my TV and talking as if they have it all figured out and go on and on about what the problem is but can offer absolutely no solutions. There is no quick fix to this problem in fact, so pastors from 2000 miles away can only offer suggestions. The after school programs are nice but why is it that you think all young black kids want to do is play basketball? And what is the point of a police raid after all the bodies have already dropped? (After you vehemently denounced any ties to gang violence of any sort in "that" murder as well). Well what's the point besides putting some dope on the damn table? (Great photo op by the way Chief). Until everyone gets on the same page and acknowledges all of these factors and agree on a solution (or solutions), then the problem will continue to get worse. (Yes, I know that is a lame ass conclusion but it's late and I'm exhausted and I have to get up and do this all again tomorrow. Hate me for it)

2007-06-18T21:23:00.000-04:00

I don't like this feeling. It's different, it's unfamiliar, it's weird. I don't know what has come over me but this is not what I meant when I said that I was moving to a new place in my life. Since I got home Saturday night, I've felt this way and it's hard to describe. It's like I've forgotten something but I have no idea what it is I've forgotten and on top of that, absolutely nothing is jogging my memory. It's like a piece of my puzzle is missing and I just had the shit! I normally wouldn't dwell on something that I didn't know the cause of but this is different. I had the worst time getting to sleep on Saturday night over this and although I barely sleep as it is, I never have a problem actually losing consciousness (several of you can attest to this). When I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning, tossing and turning over an "encounter" and its uncertain aftermath, that's a matter that I have to take to the blog. So what am I going to do? Well, in my newfound pursuit of happiness, I guess the only thing to do is pursue until I catch what it is I'm chasing.

2007-06-16T19:14:00.000-04:00

Manifest Destiny Pt. 3 - It is every man, woman and child's God given right to pursue and achieve happiness. That being the case, I think it's about time I go out and get happy, I've been fairly miserable for as long as I can remember. October 18th, 1995...I will always remember this date as the first day of my life as I know it. I woke up that Wednesday morning and I was angry, really angry, and it wasn't because of anything that happened on the 17th or because of anything that was going to happen that day, I was just angry and I didn't know why. I have woken up this way every single day for the past 11 and a half years, sometimes I am angry just for a moment and I can be in a good mood by the time I roll out of the bed and walk to the bathroom to brush my teeth, sometimes I'm just pissed off all day, the only constant is that this has never really bothered me at all. Other than a few brief stints in therapy, I've just accepted this behavior as part of my life, as natural as taking a breath. However, I've been looking at so many external elements in my life to change, with undesired results, maybe it's about time I should start doing some "me work". I've tried being more accepting of the things that bother me but I know now that this course of action is not healthy for anyone. What I need to do is stop holding onto everything and learn to let go...sometimes. It is so much easier said than done but I'm banking on it at least being worth the attempt because there aren't too many options when it comes to things that piss you off, you either take it to cell or let the shit slide and to be honest, the grass is pretty brown on both sides of the fence. Going forward, I'll just have to pick my spots I guess. A majority of people would say that trying new things would be a good idea for someone trying to make a change in their life but I'm the opposite, I'm looking to try less new things. I'm most comfortable being stuck in my ways and sticking to what I know and I don't see anything wrong with that. If you feel that I am boring, that's fine...I wasn't put here to entertain you. Every single moment from this point on is about me bettering myself and that's for my benefit and mine alone. Kinda selfish, isn't it? But that's my God given right, right?

2007-04-29T21:06:00.000-04:00

I guess I've been detached lately. Not really there for anyone or anything. Putting work in front of everything else because it's the only thing in my life that won't catch feelings about something I do. I think once and for all I need to take a step back and figure out what is important to me and what it is I have to remove from my life because I can't straddle the fence forever. The worst part is that every part of me is pulling in a different direction. Kyron Dwight John is thriving right now because he has no distractions. He's worked the past 15 days straight with no time off and none in sight for the next 5. He gets up each day for this, he lives for this. Proving every ounce of his worth through his craft and when he gets to focus, he can do anything. Partisan John is going to miss the early morning subway ride where he can catch up on his reading but hopefully it allows him to get the much needed rest he requires to keep the master plan moving. Blaxx was quite fine on top of the fence. In fact, Blaxx is pretty much comfortable anywhere you put him, his ability to adapt to every situation thrown at him is the trait he prides himself upon most. I am nothing more than the sum of my parts, take it or leave it. Each one comes with the other 2

2007-04-10T20:50:00.000-04:00

I have always been an advocate of having to try a ting every now and again so I engaged myself in a little experiment. I would ignore all the little things that bother me and see if it improved my life and my relationships with other people. At this point, I will call this a failed experiment because it hasn't worked. Letting things slide is pretty much the same thing as encouraging such behavior and it doesn't make it any easier to handle. So what have I learned from this experiment despite its failure? First and foremost, you cut people out of your life for a reason. No one deserves a second chance under any circumstance and yes, that includes myself. I've afforded myself more 2nd (and 3rd and 4th and sometimes 5th chances) chances just on being me, not because I changed, not even because I had shown that I am capable of change. I don't even know the true reason why to tell the truth. I'm no fucking good but people don't heed to warnings. I liken it to when my grandmother told me not to touch the stove but I went ahead and touched it anyway. Only difference is that I embraced the pain and got used to it. Yall just resent me for it

2007-02-21T21:46:00.000-05:00

I've always noticed that my timing has always been excellent. I've always managed to get in or get out just at the right moment to either capitalize on a vulnerability or avoid shit hitting the fan. I can't explain it nor plan it, it's just a case where I'm never on schedule but always on time.

2007-01-20T22:38:00.000-05:00

Have you ever taken a walk? Well obviously you've taken a walk but have you ever just started walking with no specific destination in mind? You just needed to get the fuck outta wherever you were at the moment so you just start walking and then at some point, usually after you've calmed down from whatever emotion made you take off in the first place, you look around and realized how far you've actually gone. It is at this point where you can turn around and go back or keep walking. This pretty much sums up the past 2 years of my life and I've now reached that point where I'm looking around and I realize the progress I've made in those past 2 years. I've had a lot of ups and a lot of downs, I've taken steps forward and been knocked back a few as well, but all in all, I've know more now than I did then and the knowledge has been worth all the hardship and all of the pain. When faced with the choice of turning around and walking back to where I started or to keep walking to parts unknown, I'll take my chances with the unknown. Nothing wrong with keeping life interesting y'know

2007-01-17T00:24:00.000-05:00

How many times does one have to be betrayed before he develops serious trust issues? I think I just found the answer. I always had faith in people. A belief that some good still lies in everyone, that everyone has common sense and decency. I was wrong but what's even worse than being wrong is that it took me so long to realize that no one may possess these qualities anymore. I let a lot of people take advantage of me because I did not want to accept the fact that those people who claim to be on your team are nowhere to be found unless it's convenient to them. There is no more forgiveness left in me, no more trust. I've had to push so many people away because I just can't trust them anymore and it's no fault of their own. I've never been one to live in the past but there are only so many times I can fall for the same trick over and over again, I'm not letting anyone get close to me again. If you think you can live with that, by all means, try your luck but I'm guessing that it's not that fun being in love with me when I could barely give a fuck. I've always been the one to do something drastic to get something done. Shutting myself down emotionally is about drastic as it can get.

2006-12-24T03:42:00.001-05:00

"I'm on the outside, I'm lookin in. I can see through you, see your true colors"

What are you supposed to do when your self ain't reliable? When the only person you've ever trusted is your self but now you can't trust your own judgment? You reach that fork in the road and you go left because the last time you went right you didn't like the outcome, even if it was the best case scenario. How about when you push people away because you're not in control of the situation that you're in? Even if you'll regret those decisions when the smoke clears and the dust settles. You start lying to yourself, trying to take solace in the fact that you now have nothing to lose and you're better off alone anyway but you can only mask the truth for so long. So you get devoured by your thoughts and can't focus. You're tired, can't sleep. Hungry, can't eat. Having panic attacks all night and can't concentrate during the day. You even have doubts about asking for help. Is your best friend going to actually listen and provide some real help or is he going to try to take your mind off it with humor like always? Can you talk to "her" when she is half of the problem? Do I tell her that? Do you go back to therapy to hear what they "think" is wrong with you? Will you just walk out in the middle of a session again? Nope, I thought you'd agree, so I keep it all to me. At this rate, I won't be here much longer because I'm destroying myself.

"My worst enemy is myself. Word to myself"

2006-12-24T03:41:00.001-05:00

Every person on this planet has the right to express his or her own opinion regardless of what is politically correct, social norm or status quo without being ridiculed, insulted or threatened. That said, it's been a minute since I came around to talk my shit. It pains me to see wonderful people suffering, especially when there is something I can do to help them but they don't want it. I had to learn the hard way that you can't ever be too proud to ask for help when it's there. Don't ever look at anything like a hand out. Instead, accept it as a "hand up" when you're down and out. There have been plenty of situations where I was trapped in a downward spiral and it was you who pulled me out of it. You believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. Let me return the favor now when the tables have turned. As my 21st birthday rapidly approaches, I'm noticing that when you're my age and single, it's surprisingly hard to find a woman who doesn't have kids. When did it become acceptable behavior for every girl under the age of 21 to start pushin out babies? I can't speak about all of you but I can talk about everyone I know and say that it's fuckin ridiculous that yall are trying to raise children when you are children who can't even raise themselves. I guess dudes just started stickin their dick in anything because there is only one woman I would even think about letting carry my child and at this point in time...I still wouldn't want her to. Each time I say it "These are the mothers of our children, these are the mothers of tomorrow" I throw up in my mouth a little. I don't like the look of it © Da Back Wudz. Gang violence is getting a lot of attention as it gets warmer and the media says the city gets ready for another summer of shootings. Hmmm...did all the gunmen in the city call CityTV and tell them in advance that they gonna be poppin off come July? Nah, I don't think so. So what kind of f*ckin statement is this? Why is something so blatantly disrespectful deemed acceptable on my 6 o'clock news? Why are the newspapers reporting that there are 75 gangs in this city when last time I checked, there was only 1? Don't let that one fly over your heads. Eat up, this food is gettin cold.

2006-12-23T23:00:00.000-05:00

A little story about something that happened to me the other day. I made a stop to pick up dinner on my way home from work (No, I don't cook. I ain't domestic maaaayne) and a couple girls, prolly 16 or 17, outside the takeout entrance of the restaurant asked me "Does the suit and tie mean that you're someone important?" and I simply replied "No, the suit and tie mean that I have a job. The color of my skin, the depth of my character and the substance of what comes out of my mouth make me important." No moral to this story but I like telling it. Okay, Okay. I think it's inspiration to any black person to get the fuck up and do something. Nothing in this world moves without us so we might as well hijack the ship and take it wherever the fuck we wanna go. Think I've lost it, think about this. Nobody in this world makes money unless black people keep buying shit we don't need and does the grunt work for the government. Look at the shit that's directly marketed towards us. Sit down and watch Black Embarassment Television for a whole day, not for the booty shakin but pay attention to the commercials. When was the last time you seen 453089435 commercials for the Army on CBS? They not looking to recruit young black people into the Army because we are such efficent soldiers, on the contrary, according to them we are such expendable soldiers. Just something to think about. I'ma keep reheatin this food for thought as often as I can, yall be lookin malnourished

2006-12-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me to touch on this briefly so I will be as brief as possible, I also apologize for writing this 12 months after you asked me to. Let me just ask this, have you ever seen a police officer on the witness stand in court saying "Yes, my partner beat his head in because he was black and had an attitude, your honor"? I don't see how the police can be so outraged by society following the same creed they teach and practice. However, please stop wearing your whole M.O on fuckin t-shirts yo...

2006-12-23T21:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't me...Come again?!? No seriously, I wonder what would become of me if I wasn't educated, informed and opinionated? If I couldn't think for myself and I was just a follow-fashion monkey? If I was shy and couldn't talk to people? If I wasn't able to make people feel comfortable with just my smile and my ability to carry a conversation? Or if I was easily impressed? What if I backed down from a challenge? What would happen if I didn't run through obstacles like condoms? Where would I be now if I wasn't able to make money off each one of my hobbies? If I made the same mistakes twice? If I didn't learn something new each day? If I settled for anything less than I deserved? If I put up with foolishness? If I were a fool myself? What if I needed to drink or smoke in order to enjoy life? If I couldn't learn how to adapt to different situations? If I was afraid to take chances? If I had regrets about my past? What if I actually felt like a 21 year old rather than a 31 year old? If I wasn't so proud to be a black male? What about if I liked kids? Or if I had kids? *shudder* What if I surrounded myself with people who I thought were any less than my equals? If I didn't live alone? What if I was all of the aforementioned? Wait...I can answer that last one. I wouldn't be me.